Girls who grew up in the Christian community were especially encouraged to write lists. “What do you want from your husband?”
Like most girls, I listed things like “respectful, tall, handsome, never quit praying, playing guitar, driving trucks.”
When I focused on this fictional dream man, someone asked me, “Do you reflect those same qualities to the person you want in a man?” No, I wasn't praying non-stop. No, I could barely play the guitar. No, I had my grandma's car. No, I wasn't a bomb. No, I wasn't as respectful as my future spouse had hoped for. (However, I was awkwardly tall as a teenager.)
The Christian dating world could be a zoo, but I argue it is much tougher than before. From every story I've heard, our grandparents' generation worked on dating with directness and simplicity, but I'm sure it wasn't perfect. I've been married for nearly four years so I have very little marriage advice for folky, but I've had quite a bit of millennial dating experience. I did it well and I did it well.
Dating doesn't have to cause pain, hard or confusion. Here are the top three dating advice I'll go back and give myself hopefully.
1. Be healthy first
Do everything you can to be mentally, physically and emotionally healthy.
In my late 20s, after another parting, I went to Christian counseling. My counselor asked me difficult questions. She self-reflected and delved deep into me until we found the root issue.
When I started counseling, I couldn't understand whether the person I dated was treating me poorly, not caring for me, or saying anything rude. This scenario was awful to me how it continued to repeat like a bad nightmare.
Throughout my counseling I realized that this endless cycle was entirely a “me” issue. I was not a limp fish that had no control over my life or dating decisions. I had to take full responsibility to allow myself to be treated poorer and to complete a malicious, unhealthy dating cycle. My unhealthy thinking patterns and lack of self-worth played an important role in the kind of men I was attracted to and fascinated.
While we date and wait, we should strive to be more sacred and healthy.
After I began to cherish myself, I was unsatisfied with mediocre people and half-hearted dating efforts. Eradicated the lies I believed in God and the unhealthy patterns of thought that I had changed everything.
I would publicly declare how good God is, but I did not believe it. I believed the lie that “God isn't very good. He doesn't want good for me.”
It seemed very easy for other girls to get married. After all, most of my friends were already so I couldn't understand why I had such a bad “luck”. I felt God hang a carrot stick in front of me. That seemed cruel. The waiting seemed endless, and the rounds of dates were exhausted, especially when I entered my late 20s.
But the moment I realized I believed in an important lie about God, everything changed. God did not snatch anything from me, he rather protected me, raised me, changed me.
When I confessed this lie and realized I was feeding it, a huge strain rose from my shoulder and my chains broke.
One day, I began to live my life mercilessly, believing that God didn't care about my desires and that I would one day have a family. He didn't untook me with these guys I dated. Rather, God had incredible plans for my future, and it did not include them. I began to truly trust God's sovereignty and timing. And I waited for several years after the counseling and before meeting my now husband.
We are called to be faithful before we get married.
2. Ignoring the red flag won't turn green
Don't ignore the red flag. It won't let them go. I learned this the hard way. Because I didn't just ignore the red flags, I bulldozed them.
How many unhealthy and stagnant relationships will last because you are ignoring bright flashes of light? Too many. They are warning signs asking us to stop the relationship and reevaluate it. Ignoring them is a sign we are denial. Call a spade a spade.
No matter how amazing someone is, no matter how good they have, if there is a red flag – it's time to pause.
Not ignoring the red flag may seem like such a simple concept, but it is not for me during my date years, nor for the many Christians I've spoken about. When someone doesn't think it's a big deal to have addiction, it's a red flag. When someone treats you like garbage, it's a red flag. If someone has no boundary with the opposite sex, it is a red flag.
Marriage amplifies the problems we fight as single, so we need to work hard to root our sin from our lives. One older woman shared with me that she had rushed into marriage. Her husband was dishonest for most of his marriage, so she is now divorced and now deeply regrets her decision.
I was almost 30 when I got married. Because that's what God had planned for me. But I can reflect on my complete gratitude for the wait, rather than rushing to marriage out of fear.
Dating doesn't have to be an event that was elicited if you were intentional about it. But don't marry for the right reasons and dismiss those “this is off” feelings or warning signs.
3. Give each other permission to ask difficult questions
Have a tough conversation: Give each other permission to ask difficult questions early on in the date.
Before our first date, my now husband asked, “Can we give each other permission to ask difficult questions?” We were both followers who dated for marriage intentions, so we were not interested in wasting time by pounding around the bushes. Why would we want to ask the dealbreaker questions later in the future when we've already gone too far? It's a waste of time and energy.
Surprisingly, I have heard that couples engaged in marriage counseling sessions never asked how many children they wanted or if they had debts.
On my date, my now husband and I asked each other everything, from theology to money to how we wanted to raise our children, to how we wanted to assume that we would look like the future. It's not that you need to share everything in detail (especially at the beginning), but it's very important to be transparent from the attack and to be clear to each other. Plus, build trust.
Money issues are one of the biggest causes of divorce, so we should be open and honest about our finances as well. God (and Dave Ramsey) has said a lot about dealing with money in the biblical way. Asking these types of questions will help you keep the difficult things out of the way and make your date more enjoyable.
Marrying someone who matches your worldview and your values is the glue that holds your marriage together. Without it, you cannot build a good marriage. Beauty is declining, where is charm, and emotions can go back and forth.
My college mentor told me, “Don't let the aisle drop unless you can run through it.” There is no lingering questioning or anything to restrain. Strong marriages are built on trust, and it only comes from asking difficult questions and having those conversations long before saying, “I will.”
As I matured, my spouse's “wish list” went from a long and unattainable to bare bones, some non-negotiable. Oddly, I became more selective as I got older. It wasn't necessarily rough anymore, but I wasn't willing to settle because I knew that being married was better than a miserable marriage.
Dating should be fun and a marriage purpose, but strong relationships come from putting God first, asking harsh questions and not ignoring the red flag.
While we date and wait, we should strive to be more sacred and healthy. God gives us a good gift and it is one of them to wait for the right person.
