Last week, I found myself doing something I thought I’d never do again.
A friend called, in tears over her breakup, and within minutes, I was diving into my own relationship troubles from years ago. “I totally get it,” I told her, then spent the next bit recounting my past instead of focusing on her feelings.
After we hung up, I felt like I’d been supportive. But then, she texted me saying she needed some space, and it hit me: I had, yet again, made her crisis all about me.
It’s a common desire to be that friend who’s there when things get tough. But the reality is, we often make matters worse, even when our intentions are good.
Those with a high emotional intelligence don’t care more; they’ve simply learned what not to do.
1) They don’t rush to share their own stories
When someone opens up about a sick parent, your instinct might be to talk about a similar situation. Hold off on that. It’s not connecting; it’s taking over.
I realized this when a colleague shared her experience of miscarriage. I thought I was showing empathy by relating it to my cousin, but her expression dropped. She needed to be listened to, not to hear about someone else’s story.
Emotionally aware people know that another’s pain isn’t an opportunity for their own narrative. They sit quietly, listening, even when they desperately want to share their experiences.
2) They don’t offer toxic positivity
“At least you have your health!” or “Everything happens for a reason!” might seem helpful, but they often come off as dismissive. A friend who lost her job heard constant reassurances that it was “probably for the best,” making her feel guilty for being upset.
People with high emotional intelligence realize that sometimes life is just hard, and it’s okay to acknowledge that. They don’t rush to find the silver lining; they let the storm be a storm.
3) They don’t give unsolicited advice
Have you noticed how easily we become life coaches? A friend mentions their partner forgot an anniversary, and we plan out complicated communication strategies they didn’t ask for.
This is something I struggle with. I often overanalyze and see solutions everywhere. Sometimes, my partner just wants me to acknowledge their feelings instead of creating a fix-it plan.
Emotionally intelligent individuals wait until they’re asked for advice. They get that most people already know what they should do; they just want to be seen and heard.
4) They don’t express discomfort
“I can’t handle this” or “This is too much” adds to someone else’s burden. When someone we care about is struggling, we can feel uncomfortable, but showing that to them just increases their load.
A friend mentioned she stopped sharing her anxiety with certain people because they became so distressed that she ended up comforting them instead. Imagine being in a crisis and needing to reassure others you’re okay.
5) They don’t disappear without explanation
It can be overwhelming to support someone going through a tough time; we all know that. But emotionally intelligent people don’t just vanish.
I’ve experienced both sides of this. During my own anxiety struggles, friends slowly faded away without a word. Later, I did the same to someone else who seemed to need constant support. It didn’t help either of us.
If you need to step back, convey that. It’s better to say, “I care about you, but I need a breather for my own mental health” than to leave someone wondering where you went.
6) They don’t have a “who has it worse” competition
“You think that’s bad? Let me tell you about my tough week…” It’s easy to encounter someone who turns every conversation into a contest of suffering. This isn’t about empathy; it’s more about ego.
I lost a friendship over this dynamic. Every time I shared a struggle, she had a bigger story to top it. It became exhausting, and I eventually stopped opening up completely.
7) They don’t push for quick recovery
“It’s been three months; you should be over this by now” or “Time to move forward” are not helpful. Grief and trauma don’t follow a timetable. Emotionally aware people understand healing takes its own time.
When I drifted apart from my college best friend, some well-meaning folks insisted it had been long enough for me to feel sad about it. But that friendship had defined nearly a decade, and there’s no timeline for dealing with that kind of loss.
8) They respect confidentiality
This is fundamental, yet it’s surprising how often we betray trust under the guise of “concern.” “I’m worried about Sarah” can quickly slip into gossip.
Your friend’s personal struggles aren’t your stories to share, not even to your partner. When someone entrusts you with their pain, that trust is sacred.
Final thoughts
Being genuinely supportive isn’t simply about knowing the right words or fixing problems. It involves being present without making it about ourselves, embracing discomfort instead of running from it, and holding space for someone else’s grief without judgment.
The best way to respond to someone in crisis often boils down to: “This sounds really tough. How can I help you right now?”
We won’t get it right every time. I certainly don’t. But awareness is the first step. The next time someone you care about is struggling, take a moment to reflect before responding. Is this about helping them, or is it just to make yourself feel better? The answer can shift everything.
