How to Do It is a sex advice column.Got a question? It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
A year and a half ago, my wife revealed that she is a lesbian. Losing her this way was painful, but I accepted the end of our marriage because I didn’t want her to live a lie. We’ve kept in touch since then, which has been nice, but I recently learned something that really upset me.
I’ve found out that she and her new wife sometimes invite a guy into their threesomes. Part of me feels like she ended things based on false information, and I can’t shake this feeling of betrayal. Did she fool me?
—I Thought She Didn’t Go For That
Dear I Thought She Didn’t Go For That,
Your ex-wife may have indeed kept things from you. It’s possible that when she expressed her sexual identity, she was either uncertain or knew she still found men attractive. Perhaps she thought explaining all of this would complicate things, so she chose the simpler explanation of being gay. However, we can’t truly know her thoughts, so while it’s reasonable to consider these ideas, we can’t conclude anything definitively.
There could be numerous possible explanations. Maybe she identifies as homoromantic but still feels attracted to men, or perhaps she doesn’t feel comfortable with those labels at all and is exploring her sexuality. When she came out to you, it’s possible she thought her romantic interests would only include women, but conversations with her wife or repressed feelings may have prompted her to reassess that. All of these scenarios are valid. Sexual orientation can evolve over time. Her perspective from a year and a half ago might not match where she is today.
She moved on fairly quickly—in just a year and a half, she came out, divorced you, and remarried. That must be tough, and it seems like it’s still weighing on you. While understanding her reasons could provide some sense of closure, life is often complicated. Not all decisions are made with clear logic. Even with new revelations, it’s reasonable to still believe that her sexuality played a significant role in your divorce. The larger point is, regardless of her orientation, she recognized that your relationship wasn’t right for her. It’s unfortunate—really devastating, in fact—but sometimes, these things just happen. Most people would agree that nobody should stay in a relationship that isn’t fulfilling. In that respect, her reasons become secondary.
—Rich
More Advice From Slate
I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for eight years. We’re thinking about moving in together, but I have a concern: I don’t want to have sex. He believes that living together will spark our intimacy, but I don’t see it that way. I adore him, and he’s my best friend. What should I consider?
