Dating can be really tough, and it’s kind of tempting to place all the blame on every guy out there for our bad choices.
A recent piece in the New York Times, titled The Problem That Men Wanted, by Jean Garnett, suggests that the challenge of wanting a man boils down to—well, a man.
As in, all men.
This kind of narrative seems to contribute to a broader trend where dating turns into a gender battle, often letting women off the hook completely from any responsibility in their relationships.
There’s a distinct lack of personal accountability. The sweeping claim that men are the problem comes from women choosing open relationships, casual encounters, and everything in between, even into middle age.
It’s almost like a modern, sad take on “Sex and the City,” really painting a grim picture of today’s romantic landscape.
The article reflects on a concept called “heterofatalism,” a term borrowed from academic Asa Seresin, which claims that many straight women are just “fed up with male mating behavior.”
But honestly, that term seems a little misleading. Garnett’s own experiences, shared with her friends, suggest that she feels stuck—like, she can’t suddenly become gay and doesn’t have a lot of faith in straight men.
They sarcastically react when they see couples embracing on the street, and it’s clear that their feelings are pretty raw.
What’s so painful about it all—so, uh, heterofatalistic?
Well, Garnett’s dating history does have its colorful moments.
She talks about how her marriage was disrupted when she fell for another guy, which she feels completely dismantled her life as it was. “I didn’t know how to ‘do’ a relationship,” she recalls. Typical, right?
At one point, she even considers introducing her daughter to the guy she’s been seeing.
And then there’s this text she got from him, saying he felt anxious and needed to step back. They joke among themselves about how “the man is not a man.” What is that—are they really just throwing in the towel on getting out for intimacy?
Garnett, who likens herself to the characters from “Sex and the City,” poses the question—but what if it’s not just the guys they’re dating?
Who are these men, anyway? In all the gripes I’ve heard from friends about their dating lives, I can’t recall a single instance where men just didn’t show up for physical relationships.
The term “heterofatalism” is just one of those academic phrases garnished with jargon. She sprinkles in other concepts too, like normative male alexithymia and emotional labor.
With her academic references, she seems to sidestep any real self-reflection about why her choices could be leading to her unhappiness.
In a rare moment of clarity, she admits:
This is the core issue. It’s not just about gender conflicts playing out in our love lives.
By framing it all as a “us vs. them” situation, Garnett removes herself from the equation.
But the truth is, women: if you just paused for a moment, you might find that many of your issues stem from your own behavior. For instance, you might rush into intimacy during the first days of meeting someone, then find yourself chasing after someone who gives mixed signals.
Garnett seems to overlook the fact that many of the real struggles of modern dating, influenced by hookup culture and dating apps, deserve a platform—a way for women to truly voice their experiences.
Yet, publications like The Times might prioritize those bitter, dysfunctional narratives that don’t really tackle the heart of the matter.
Do we keep blaming men, or is it time for women to rethink how they’re navigating relationships?
