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Dear How to Do It,
I’ve been dealing with my husband’s diabetes and obesity-related erectile dysfunction for ten years. He’s lost some weight, and things have gotten a bit better—his erections are more reliable now. But once we try to have sex, things just… stop working. I really value penetrative sex, and I thought this was something we could sort out together. Science has solutions, right?
He’s tried various medications, and while they help somewhat, we still struggle to connect physically. I even went through IVF because we couldn’t conceive traditionally. Now, I feel sort of defeated and slightly resentful about IVF. It frustrates me that he waited so long to address this and, worse, he seems unwilling to keep seeking solutions. It hurts to think that I might never experience sex again, and he’s firm that non-monogamy is not an option for us. What do I do?
—Never
Dear Never,
Your husband might need more than just medication. Often, erectile issues can be tied to mental well-being, as we’ve seen from insights shared by therapists. While it’s likely that his situation is manageable, the desire and initiative to tackle this must come from him—and that seems to be missing for now.
It’s tough to think you married him expecting everything would somehow just work out with the right prescription. That’s disheartening, to say the least. Give yourself some time to work through your feelings about this; it may take longer than you expect. Talking it through with someone you trust could help. Once you’ve processed your emotions—frustration, sadness, and maybe even anger—consider what steps you want to take next.
One option might be to introduce some external aids into your intimacy, whether that’s using a dildo or exploring pumps or possibly even discussing surgery. You could also advocate for sex therapy or, if necessary, consider leaving.
You need to decide whether this intimacy barrier is a dealbreaker for you—whether it’s essential for you to have a partner who is committed to finding solutions. Think carefully, and try to approach this with as open a mind as possible. It’s crucial to communicate—express how unhappy you are while allowing him time to absorb what you’re saying. This might take multiple conversations, so be ready for some scattered discussions.
—Jessica
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