Care and Feeding is a parenting advice column. If you have a question, feel free to submit it.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My husband and I have a 5-year-old son and a 1-year-old daughter. Recently, my husband’s 90-year-old grandmother was diagnosed with dementia, and her ability to recognize people has dramatically declined. She and our son were very close, and he doesn’t understand why she no longer remembers him. Do you have any advice on how to explain this to him?
—Wishing I Could Make It Better
Dear Wishing,
It’s essential to explain the situation to your son in a way he can grasp. Perhaps you could say, “Your grandma has a sickness called dementia. It’s different from getting a cold because it won’t get better. It means her brain isn’t functioning as it used to. That’s why she sometimes forgets things or seems confused. But she still loves you very much.”
Make sure to give him the room to absorb and discuss his feelings about her illness. It’s okay for him to feel sad or worried about the changes he notices.
Books can be really helpful for introducing kids to complex ideas. If you’re unsure where to start, a local children’s librarian can guide you. I found a list of suggestions, though I haven’t read these myself.
If her condition continues to worsen and changes her behavior, it’s important to discuss that with him too. He should understand that it’s the illness causing these changes. Every time you plan a visit, it might help to talk with him about it—whether there have been changes or not. This gives him a chance to express his feelings or ask questions that might come up.
Dear Care and Feeding,
I have a 14-year-old son and 9-year-old twin daughters. Although my son lives mainly with his mom, he spends plenty of time here, and all the kids are close. However, there’s a significant issue with how he treats one of his sisters. They often share positive moments, like going for walks or play-fighting with foam swords, but there are also times when he relentlessly teases her about not being as skilled at video games, which feels mean. Though she tries to stand up for herself or ignores him, most times, it just leads her to upset.
I’ve talked to my son multiple times about this and have even raised my voice. He says he struggles to control his impulses, which I believe because I’ve seen it happen repeatedly. There’s a good amount of neurodiversity in our family, and I suspect he may have ADHD like his sister does. I’ve wanted to get him evaluated, but his mom is hesitant and he hasn’t displayed issues at school to justify pushing for it. I tell him to stop, and he seems sorry, but within moments, he’s back to teasing her. What should I be doing? Clearly, just yelling isn’t helping, and I sense that he feels bad about it. Since he doesn’t behave this way with his other sister, I’m inclined to think this has something to do with their similar personalities. Yet I want him to stop hurting her, as I believe he cares for her too.
—Bro, Chill
Dear Bro,
You didn’t share what you’ve tried in setting limits or disciplining your son, but it seems that talking or reasoning hasn’t worked, especially since his behavior is negatively impacting his relationship with his sister.
I’m not diagnosing him, but since you suspect he has ADHD or another form of neurodivergence, I think it’s essential to pursue that instinct. You mentioned not pushing for an assessment because he isn’t struggling academically, yet a child can be doing well in school and still need help in other areas.
Even if his impulse control is not affecting his grades, it’s creating unkind and uncontrolled behavior that strains family relationships. You’re understandably frustrated, and your daughter feels hurt. If this continues or intensifies, it could worsen those relationships. If he genuinely cannot control himself, others outside the family might eventually need to deal with this behavior too.
Again, I’m not saying your son has ADHD. I understand you’re co-parenting, and navigating solutions involves both parents. When you feel stuck and everything you’ve tried hasn’t improved the situation, it might be time to seek more insight and professional guidance. You and your son’s mother need a serious discussion about getting him the support he may need because the way things stand isn’t working for at least two of your children.
—Nicole
More Parenting Advice From Slate
My sister asked me to be the legal guardian for her children (11F and 10M) when she was pregnant, and I agreed right away. I was young, single, and figured I would relocate if needed to keep the kids’ lives stable in the event of an emergency. I’m a teacher, so job hunting wouldn’t be difficult. When I started dating my husband five years ago, I made sure he knew about this commitment. He was on board. Well, I’ve had to uphold this agreement, and now my life is quite complicated.
