Our advice columnists have accumulated a wealth of experiences over the years, so we’re diving into the archives to revisit some classic letters and share them with readers. If you have a question, feel free to send it to Stoya and Rich—it’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
I’m married and have a good friend who’s single. Recently, my husband, my friend, and I were hanging out at my place, enjoying some drinks. At one point, I felt sleepy and mentioned it to my friend. She quickly encouraged me to go to bed, which I did, leaving her alone with my husband.
Later, I woke up and heard strange noises coming from the other room, like heavy breathing and what sounded like moaning. I found myself surprisingly turned on by it. When my husband came to check on me and then went back out, the noises continued. Until that night, my sexual attraction to him had been basically nonexistent. Now, every time we’re intimate, I feel sparks again. It really concerns me that what he and my friend did was wrong, and I can’t help but wonder how often this has happened while I was asleep. I haven’t confronted either of them yet—my friend and I work together, and I’m worried about how it might affect our relationship.
—Hot and Not Bothered
Dear Hot and Not Bothered,
You deserve props for being honest about what turns you on. It seems like you might want to explore a lifestyle where you can enjoy the idea of your partner being with others, often referred to as cuckqueaning. This can include everything from enjoying the idea from a distance to actively participating in such dynamics. It’s a fantasy for many people, and it sounds like you’ve stumbled into it in an unintentional way.
There are ways to engage in this responsibly, such as watching adult films or role-play scenarios. However, it’s essential that all parties consent. While it might seem exciting to listen to your husband with someone else, think about how the other woman would feel if she knew someone was eavesdropping. That’s crossing a line.
Before you confront your husband, consider what you really want to address. Is it about the infidelity? Do you seek an explanation? Or are you open to him continuing this behavior, but with rules in place? Identifying your desired outcome could help set boundaries. This way, it might actually prevent further complications, particularly in your work relationship.
—Athena Valentine
Dear How to Do It,
Last year, we moved into a new house with fantastic water pressure. In fact, it’s like having a mini pressure washer in the shower. Using the handheld showerhead, I’ve discovered that intensely hot, targeted water jets aimed at my testicles provide one of the most pleasurable sensations I’ve ever experienced. It’s not quite orgasmic, but wow, it feels incredible—enough that I sometimes lose track of time. I know it’s likely bad for my water bill, but I’m more interested in how to recreate that feeling in the bedroom. My wife and I have a solid sex life, but it’s not particularly adventurous. Shower sex isn’t really feasible for us. Do you have any suggestions? Maybe some toys? I think finding a solution would not only boost my enjoyment but also be a win for the environment.
—Under Pressure
Dear Under Pressure,
Consider using a vibrator, or check out a showerhead like the Womanizer Wave, which claims to reduce water usage by 60%. While it won’t help directly in the bedroom, it might alleviate some of that water waste guilt. A friend suggests trying a Waterpik with the tonsil stone attachment, but if you go that route, make sure to have a waterproof sheet or protector on your mattress. You might also experiment with other types of sensations that could be just as tantalizing but don’t involve water—there are plenty of options when it comes to touch.
—Jessica Stoya
Dear How to Do It,
I generally have a great sex life, but I face a peculiar issue. Sometimes, after having an intense orgasm, I experience what feels like a disconnect, making it difficult to speak; I can try to talk, but it just comes out as gibberish. There have also been moments of panic. This doesn’t happen every time, but when it does, it’s quite unsettling. Should I be concerned, or is this a common reaction to intense orgasms?
—Blackout
Dear Blackout,
I typically shun the word “normal,” but it seems what you’re experiencing isn’t too common. If it were, it would likely be more discussed. The phenomenon you’re describing may not be usual, as noted by various health sources. A gynecologist pointed out that they have encountered rare occurrences tied to orgasm but clarified that while not typical, they tend to be harmless side effects and are often linked to how the brain reacts during that time. However, factors like increased heart rate and blood pressure during sex could trigger health-related issues, so it’s important to assess these symptoms carefully.
As for your panic attacks, the gynecologist noted that these can happen to some individuals with a history of anxiety after orgasm. If it becomes bothersome, discussing this with your doctor might help, although medication could bring its own complications. The speech issue you mentioned could relate to a condition called Broca’s aphasia, typically linked to strokes. Yours likely resolves quickly after orgasm, which is good news, but it’s essential to consult a physician to rule out any serious underlying conditions.
It’s advisable not to panic, but do consider seeking medical advice.
—Rich Juzwiak
More Sex Advice From Slate
I’m curious about your thoughts on an ethical dilemma. Given all the recent discussions around consent and power dynamics in sexuality and age, is it acceptable to fantasize about individuals who are underage if those memories involve you being underage and actively consenting?
