How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column.Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
My husband (we’re both men) brought home another guy for a threesome without consulting me first, saying he wanted it to be a “surprise.” It was quite the surprise! The guy was really attractive, so I participated, but I found it pretty inconsiderate of him to spring this on me. Should I try to surprise him back and see how he feels about it?
—What Goes Around…
Dear What Goes Around…,
You’re considering whether to retaliate against your husband for what? Bringing home an attractive guy? I understand your frustration—he should have asked you first. But, by going along with it, you’ve kind of let it slide. If you found the experience lacking in some way, or if the surprise overshadowed the moment itself, you really should have a discussion about it. Let him know that this kind of surprise isn’t really your style.
Now, if the sex was genuinely enjoyable and your annoyance is purely on principle, maybe think about this as a new chapter for your relationship; you might be entering a “thirds era.” His approach was a bit rough around the edges, but you had fun. It gives you an unspoken opportunity to do the same, at least once. But be careful—if it’s just about getting back at him, that’s a slippery slope. Treat each other and anyone else involved as people, not pawns in a game. Keep it fun, not retaliatory.
Dear How to Do It,
I’m a 60-year-old single straight male. I haven’t had much of a sex life aside from masturbation. People tell me I’m decent-looking, yet my confidence is low. My experiences have mostly been with escorts, which is another story altogether. My question involves ejaculation. I’ve noticed a significant reduction in the strength and volume of my ejaculate over the years. When I orgasm, it’s often just a dribble, usually one stream. I masturbate a few times each week. Is this normal for my age? If not, can I do anything to improve my situation?
—I Want More
Dear I Want More,
Your concerns are probably valid; reduced ejaculate volume may indeed be a result of aging. According to urologist Aaron Spitz, as men get older, their pelvic floor muscles weaken, leading to less semen being expelled. Additionally, as the prostate enlarges, it can interfere with the seminal vesicles.
As men age, their pelvic floor muscles tend to weaken, which often results in reduced ejaculate volume and power—even potentially down to none. This isn’t an uncommon consequence of getting older.
A study looking at over 6,000 semen samples suggested that the highest average semen volume occurs in men aged 30 to 35, while those 55 and older typically have lower volumes. Additionally, things like hormone levels, hydration, general health, arousal, and pelvic floor strength can all impact semen volume.
While you may not have control over everything, consider strengthening your pelvic floor muscles with kegel exercises. These entail repeatedly squeezing those muscles. You can find numerous guides online—some use an app for support. Another point to consider is that a little abstinence can also lead to increased ejaculate volume; studies have shown increased semen for each day of abstaining. Giving it a try for a few days might just enhance your experience.
I don’t advise relying on supplements claiming to boost semen volume—gains from them tend to be anecdotal and vary widely. Someone I consulted, Charles Welliver, director of men’s health at Albany Medical College, has suggested that medications can also impact semen volume, so if you’ve made any changes there, it might be worth investigating. Otherwise, this isn’t a situation that necessarily requires a doctor’s visit. There’s not much you can do about it.
You might want to think about why this matters to you. Is it a way of proving to yourself that you’re still youthful? Or perhaps you just enjoy the visual satisfaction of a good ejaculate? Ultimately, remember that you’re the only one who’s judging here. It’s great to aim for improvement, but self-acceptance is also vital. If an increase doesn’t happen, it’s okay to come to terms with that. Remember, even if your loads aren’t massive, they are still yours.
Send Us Your Questions About the Workplace!
The columnists behind our advice column, Good Job, are here to assist with your workplace dynamics. Have a colleague bothering you post-hours? Is an office romance going south? Submit your question here!
Dear How to Do It,
I have a situation that, while not earth-shattering, is something I’d prefer to address. My wife and I have been together for seven years and married for four. Recently, if we miss sex the previous night, I wake up with strong morning wood. I’ve tried to take care of it myself when she’s not in the mood, but it just doesn’t help. If I don’t get lucky, I always end up waking up with a strong erection. Any advice?
—The Sun Isn’t the Only Thing Rising
Dear The Sun Isn’t the Only Thing Rising,
Let’s consider two possibilities here: your observations might be a bit skewed (no offense, it’s tough to be your own lab rat), or it could relate to hormonal factors. Anecdotal evidence shows that some men report increased morning erections when they’ve had sex the prior night. Regardless, all men typically experience multiple nighttime erections. The reasons behind these, called nocturnal penile tumescence, aren’t completely clear, but they might have something to do with bladder fullness. A full bladder could potentially stimulate nerves that lead to these unexpected erections.
Morning erections are a sign of good health. Most guys deal with this by either walking it off or relieving themselves as soon as they wake up. If you consistently wake up with a strong erection, you might want to explore that. It can be a nuisance; however, a lack of it might be concerning. “Morning and overnight erections are a normal part of male health, supplying oxygenated blood to the penis,” Welliver mentions. Embrace those moments as best as you can!
—Rich
More Advice From Slate
I’m a 52-year-old guy who looks 42. I’m healthy, fairly attractive, smart, successful, musically talented, and have a great sense of humor. Yet, I struggle immensely with any sex that involves my penis because it’s below average in size. It’s been over a decade since my last intimate experience—no dates or kisses due to my dwindling self-confidence. The issue with size is a mental barrier for me. How do I get past this?
