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Dear Care and Feeding,
My in-laws are quite the frequent visitors, making the four-hour flight to see us roughly five to six times a year. They enjoy traveling now that they’re retired, and of course, my husband and I have their only grandchildren, so they say they really love spending time with them. But honestly, their behavior suggests otherwise.
Their stays mostly center around concerts, which, you know, is usually fine. However, when they hit several tour stops on the East Coast, it starts feeling less like family time and more like they’re using us as a free Airbnb. Seeing their grandchildren appears to be kind of an afterthought. They don’t really engage much with the kids; they tend to just watch them. My son, who is about to turn 5, has been asking why Grandma and Grandpa “only like to look at him.” We had a second child last summer, and it’s the same with her—they prefer to observe rather than play. They sometimes offer to babysit, but it seems like they just want to say they offered. Anytime we’ve taken them up on it, they’ve had some excuse to back out.
The next visit is approaching. We thought they were coming for my son’s birthday, but, surprise—they’re planning to leave early that morning, before anyone is awake. My son knows they’re coming, but he hasn’t caught on to their plan to sneak out. I just know he’ll be disappointed that they’ll be gone before he gets to celebrate with them. We’re really at a loss about how to explain this to him without, I guess, painting them in a negative light. Their travel plans are frustrating, and we’ve expressed our concerns, but it hasn’t made any difference.
—Annoyed DIL
Dear Annoyed,
It’s good that you and your husband have already had a talk with his parents about how their behavior might be letting down their grandchild. It’s important to remember you have the right to set boundaries on their visits—your home shouldn’t be viewed as a free vacation rental, regardless of how often they stay.
Many people gripe about not having grandchildren, yet plenty don’t show much interest in the grandparent role. Sometimes it might be that they’re just out of practice with young kids. I don’t want to defend your in-laws because, frankly, it does sound like they’re using your place as a getaway. But if it helps, maybe their awkwardness around your son is what’s causing the distance. Perhaps next time they visit, you (or even better, your husband) could help them engage more actively with the kids. When my kids were little, it became clear that relatives needed to get down on the floor and play to connect. You might consider showcasing your kids’ favorite games or books to ease everyone into some playtime. It might feel a bit annoying, but it could help bridge that gap. Ultimately, though, building a relationship is up to your in-laws. You can’t be solely responsible for it.
As for how to address your son’s disappointment regarding their impending departure, I wouldn’t share your frustrations with him or frame it as “sneaking away.” Just let him know Grandma and Grandpa will head home on his birthday. Maybe they could celebrate beforehand with some pre-birthday treats? Fingers crossed they remember to bring a gift, too.
—Nicole
More Parenting Advice
I remember when I was pregnant with our first child; I had a total meltdown when I learned we were having a girl. I opened up to my husband about my fear that she might end up disliking me as I do my own mother. To clarify, I do love my mother, but we definitely have our differences, which can cause some tension between us. And I think a lot of mother-daughter relationships tend to be like that.
