How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Jessica and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
I’m a 44-year-old man married to a 45-year-old woman for 15 years. About six years ago, she mentioned that she was pretty much done with sex. Since then, we’ve only had sex maybe ten times. She’s never been very sexual—she doesn’t discuss likes, dislikes, or even fantasies. Physical intimacy doesn’t seem important to her.
While I don’t share her feelings, I’ve accepted our marriage as it is. However, I’ve recently been reading this column and have come to suspect that my wife might be asexual. Looking back, I think she might always have been. It seems she doesn’t really think about her sexuality at all, probably viewing it as something she can live without. But I find myself wondering if discussing this with her—and maybe helping her label it—would help me feel better about our relationship. My thinking is that if she acknowledges it, it might improve things between us. I realize this is mainly for my own peace of mind since I doubt she contemplates her sexuality deeply. Should I bring this up with her or just stick with the way things are?
—Do Labels Only Help the Labeled?
Dear Do Labels Only Help the Labeled?,
This might not be a popular opinion among millennials and Gen Z, but I believe labels can be helpful for everyone. They simplify the often intricate nature of human identity. That said, they can be vague and don’t capture every nuance. Still, when it comes to understanding something like sexual orientation, labels can be very useful for both the person being labeled and those around them.
Consider your situation: If your wife sees herself as asexual, it would clarify the reasons for the limited sexual activity in your marriage. It might help you feel less personally affected and avoid thinking her lack of interest reflects on you. In other words, it would be clear: it’s not about you, it’s about her. But given that you already suspect she might lean toward asexuality, think about why you need that confirmation. Are there lingering doubts about her reasons for withdrawing from sex? Do you just feel the need for formal identification of someone’s identity? Reflecting on this can be helpful, especially since any efforts to get her to declare her sexuality might lead her to question your motivation.
Starting a conversation with something like, “Do you think you might be asexual?” is perfectly fine, even if it’s for your own clarity. Open communication, especially about a partner’s sexuality, is important. Just be ready to meet her where she is. You can’t force her to explore thoughts she’s not interested in. Discuss things and see how it goes. If she disagrees and you still feel uncertain, you can express that. You might even consider sharing a few insightful books about asexuality that have been published recently, like Angela Chen’s Ace: What Asexuality Reveals About Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex or Cody Daigle-Orians’s I Am Ace. This way, you have something to discuss together.
Ultimately, her sexuality belongs to her, and it’s her journey to label or not. You can guide her with thoughtful conversation, but the decision is hers.
Dear How to Do It,
My boyfriend has been having trouble with ejaculation. When it happens, it doesn’t seem to shoot but dribbles for a minute instead. He’s only 32 and isn’t in any pain, but this is something I’ve never encountered before. I’ve suggested he see a urologist, but he brushes it off, saying it’s been like this for three years and he’s fine. Should I push him to get checked?
—Dubious Dripping
Dear Dubious Dripping,
Some guys ejaculate a lot, while others don’t, and this can be a normal variation without health implications. But what stands out in your message is that your boyfriend noticed a change three years ago. Though it could be nothing serious, it’s always wise to investigate any bodily changes that may indicate an underlying issue. Diminished ejaculation could point to nerve damage linked to conditions like diabetes or multiple sclerosis. It could also stem from medication or stress. Also, delayed ejaculation can be associated with hormonal or neurological disorders. Sometimes these changes are benign, but they can also signal important messages from the body. So yes, I think it would be wise for him to consult with a doctor, just to rule out anything more serious.
If this is bothering him, he might consider kegel exercises to strengthen his pelvic floor, potentially improving his ejaculatory pressure. But honestly, it seems he’s not that worried, judging by how casually he’s dismissed your concerns. The challenge is getting him to see this could be a more significant issue. Ultimately, it’s up to him to care. Hopefully, he’ll come around before any real problems arise.
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Dear How to Do It,
My husband and I are in our mid-40s. He’s been increasingly tired and irritable over the last six months, and his sex drive has plummeted. A recent doctor’s visit revealed he has low testosterone. After starting bi-weekly injections, his drive has returned, but now he wants sex at least 10 to 15 times a week. Initially, I was excited, but I can’t keep up. Is this normal?
—He’s Back—Big Time
Dear He’s Back—Big Time,
This situation is about cause and effect. Your husband sought testosterone replacement therapy (TRT) because of his low sex drive, and now it’s kicked back into high gear, which is typical for such therapies. Results can vary, but he’s definitely responding well.
Unless his newfound sex drive becomes disruptive to daily life or responsibilities, I don’t see a significant issue. Join in when you can, but let him enjoy this surge on his own as needed. If he finds himself unhappy with how things are, encourage him to talk to his doctor. But, from what I gather, he seems pretty satisfied at the moment.
Dear How to Do It,
My girlfriend and I are two women in our early 20s, and our relationship is mostly great, except over the last six months, our sex life has really declined. My girlfriend developed severe tendonitis in both wrists very suddenly, making it hard for her to do things she used to enjoy, including intimacy.
