How I Got Here: A Journey to Parenthood
Because no two paths to parenthood look the same, “How I Got This Baby” is a series that invites parents to share their stories.
Jordan can barely recall a time when she didn’t feel mature. As the oldest child in an evangelical Christian family, she had a mother often unable to move due to health issues and a father who worked long hours. From age 7, she took on responsibilities like childcare and laundry. She also became her parents’ confidante, always aware of their financial and marital challenges. By her teenage years, the idea of becoming a parent seemed unappealing. “I’d witnessed how all-consuming that responsibility could be,” she says now at 39. She pictured a life free from kids.
However, everything changed when Jordan began dating Blake, whom she met during a college study abroad program. Blake had a different upbringing, with a career-focused mother, and hearing about his childhood led Jordan to reconsider her views on motherhood.
“The guys I grew up with had very narrow views of women’s roles. And here was Blake, who admired a mother at the peak of her career,” she reflects, grateful for the support she felt from him. Jordan, holding two graduate degrees and working for a startup in Boston, started thinking, “I’ll be embraced for who I want to become.”
After six years of dating, they married in 2015. Years later, after extensive journaling, therapy sessions, and discussions with friends, she felt ready to start trying for kids. “I realized I didn’t want fear to stop me from something that could enrich my life,” she explains.
But first, she had something she wanted to explore: opening their marriage. They had been open about their fantasies, so Jordan proposed, “What if we really tried this?” Blake was all in. Soon, they were attending sex parties, exploring new experiences together.
“At first, it was exhilarating,” Jordan recalls. “This was our last wild adventure before kids.”
She later would reflect on how her perception of threesomes shifted. Initially, she thought they were exciting mainly due to the male gaze—being desired and observed. But then she discovered an interest in women that was entirely separate from her relationship with Blake.
There was a woman she felt a strong connection with, one that made her rethink her past attractions to men. “With men, I often felt I had to make myself smaller, but with her, I felt empowered,” Jordan reveals, realizing, “I would want to pursue her regardless of any external circumstances.”
When she finally told Blake about her bisexuality, she thought she was integrating an important part of herself into their relationship. Instead, Blake reacted with fear, even suggesting, “This might lead us to divorce.” That struck hard. After trying to be open, she was met with fear and anger, prompting her to take some time away with friends.
Upon returning, they worked through it. Blake apologized, framing his response as a reaction rather than his true feelings. They resumed their adventures, navigating this new aspect of their lives together.
A year after coming out, Jordan expressed a desire to date others without Blake. To her surprise, he felt the same, which opened up discussions about boundaries—casual encounters without emotional attachments were the goal.
On her first date with Nora, she felt a surge of nerves but also an undeniable connection. Their chemistry was palpable, leading to the start of a new relationship. Meanwhile, Blake and Jordan began trying to conceive, feeling the pressure of timelines and life circumstances.
Despite acknowledging challenges within their relationship, they were committed to becoming parents. When multiple attempts to conceive failed, Jordan felt the weight of her desire for motherhood intensifying. “Every time I got my period, I was heartbroken,” she states, realizing she had moved past any uncertainty around parenting.
While in a Pilates class, an inner voice urged, “It’s time for an adventure.” So, when she took a pregnancy test that day and it was positive, the feeling of “This is where I want to be” washed over her.
Blake was elated, insisting on joining her for the first appointment, where they discovered they were expecting twins.
Despite initial fears around pregnancy, especially with twins, Jordan found herself feeling connected rather than disconnected from her experience. Both she and Blake navigated their relationship, grappling with the emotional resolutions following the pregnancy.
About 34 weeks along, complications arose, leading to an unexpected early delivery. The birth went smoothly, although the twins were whisked away for monitoring right after. Jordan recalls feeling a mix of emotions, recognizing the bizarre transition into motherhood, which included the stress of a NICU stay.
As days turned into weeks, she struggled to bond with her twins amid the grueling feeding schedule and overwhelming logistics. Amidst feelings of isolation—having been laid off from her job due to an acquisition—she tried to find new balance between being a mother and navigating her career.
Eventually, as her schedule eased, she began to engage more with her twins, realizing she could bond with them simply by being present. Hiring help and engaging with other parents helped alleviate some of the initial struggles, reintroducing joy amidst the chaos.
The twins turned three this summer. Though Jordan has not yet introduced them to her new partner, she expresses hope. “Seeing the relationship I have with my kids has led me to reconsider my own upbringing, especially when it comes to parenting.”
Reflecting on her journey, she recognizes that her experiences have widened her understanding of love and acceptance, not just for herself but for her children as well. “It’s an ever-evolving adventure,” she concludes, adding that even if her circumstances were different, she believes she would still find fulfillment in her life.
