Navigating Life with a Narcissistic Parent

Many clients of psychotherapist Kathleen Saxton only come to realize they were raised by a narcissistic parent once they’re older. Sometimes, it hits them during new relationships, especially when they observe how their partner’s family dynamics contrast starkly with their own. “Or they might have children and think, ‘I would never treat my kids like that,’” Saxton explains. It can take until their 30s or 40s for some to acknowledge that their upbringing was unhealthy. Her oldest client, now in their 70s, only recently confronted the impact of having a narcissistic mother who is still alive.

Saxton’s upcoming book, *My Parent the Peacock*, aims to help individuals recognize and heal from the effects of having a narcissistic parent. Growing up in a controlled environment where love was conditional, many children experience gaslighting, criticism, and emotional exploitation. These early relationships often shape how they navigate adulthood.

The term “narcissist” is frequently thrown around, particularly on social media, often as a generic insult or explanation for selfish behavior. However, Saxton points out that this overuse can undermine the serious nature of those actually diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). “People who genuinely need help may not receive it,” she adds, noting that many feel dismissed when they try to voice concerns about a narcissistic parent, partner, or boss.

Practicing in both London and New York, Saxton turned to psychotherapy after a fruitful corporate career. Her motivation stems partly from personal experience; after years alongside someone she suspects had NPD—though they were never diagnosed—she felt her identity fading. It took her two years to bounce back. Over the last decade, she’s noticed more clients questioning their struggles, often connecting them to having grown up with narcissistic parents.

Most people have at least some narcissistic traits—like self-absorption or exaggeration of accomplishments—but how do we differentiate between a narcissist and just someone who can be unpleasant? Saxton chuckles, saying, “I think even difficult people have a conscience. They usually understand when they’ve been hurtful.” True narcissists, on the other hand, often lack the ability to reflect on their behavior.

Determining how many people truly have NPD is challenging since they generally don’t see their behavior as problematic. As Saxton explains, “They might find the idea of being diagnosed offensive.” Current estimates suggest that about 10-15% of the global population could display moderate to high narcissistic traits. Extreme cases, which fall under the category of NPD, might range from 0.8% to 6.2%. Saxton believes that in the UK, the figure could be around 2-3%. “That still leaves a significant number of individuals with this disorder walking around,” she adds, expressing concern over the lack of effective treatment options.

The DSM has included NPD since 1980, outlining specific criteria for diagnosis. Saxton notes that many individuals may fall short of these criteria but still possess narcissistic tendencies. The more overtly grandiose narcissists are easier to identify than covert or vulnerable narcissists, who may come off as shy, gentle, or even victimized. Malignant narcissists, however, can be dangerous, exhibiting harmful behaviors without remorse.

Saxton suggests that, historically, narcissism was thought to be more prevalent in men, mainly because they often exhibit more overt traits. In contrast, women may exhibit subtler, covert narcissism. When considering societal changes, she suspects any rise in narcissism might stem more from increased mental health awareness than social media’s superficial tendencies. Narcissism appears to thrive in developed nations, which Saxton attributes to better access to mental health resources and increased awareness of mental health issues.

We often look to leaders who exhibit narcissistic traits during uncertain times, misinterpreting charm for leadership skills. “The real issue is that charisma can be misleading,” argues Saxton. “Narcissists often come off as confident and capable, drawing us in without us realizing it.”

Living with a narcissist can be one of the most painful experiences. “It’s isolating because negative behavior often happens out of sight,” Saxton explains, making it difficult for victims to recognize their own realities. Even within the same family, children can have vastly different experiences. For example, the “golden child” may struggle with perfectionism, while the “scapegoat” might internalize negativity.

Saxton observes that children of narcissistic parents often develop a fractured sense of self. Tasked with fulfilling roles set by their parents, many drift away from their true selves. “In therapy, we work together to help them rediscover their authentic identity,” she says.

Though Saxton didn’t grow up with a narcissistic parent, her upbringing presented its own challenges. After a tumultuous childhood marked by her father’s bankruptcy and a troubled home life, she steered her life into a successful corporate career, even running her own business. Yet, during this time, she saw the psychological scars that unresolved childhood trauma could leave, prompting her to pursue therapy training.

Following her divorce, Saxton found herself entangled with a partner she later recognized as a narcissist after much self-reflection. The telltale signs were subtle at first, making it easy to dismiss red flags. “It’s isolating—you start to make excuses for their behavior,” she admits. “The experience stripped away everything I thought was normal, pulling me into their distorted reality.”

As Saxton delved into researching narcissism, she found limited resources available. While Freud’s ideas laid a foundation, many therapists lacked a grasp of narcissism, which initially deepened her sense of isolation but ultimately fueled her commitment to study it further. She is now working on a new book dedicated to surviving narcissistic relationships and has already outlined plans for a third focusing on narcissistic bosses.

Ultimately, her journey led to recovery, but it was a two-year process. Emerging from it required her to reconnect with her true self, something she now helps her clients achieve. “The first step is realizing that they’re not just difficult—they’re exhibiting a different level of behavior,” she states. Therapy retrieves lost identities while assisting clients in confronting the emotions they’ve suppressed.

Is confronting a narcissistic parent ever helpful? Saxton cautions against it, as it could lead to disastrous outcomes. Plus, one should expect neither apologies nor validation from them.

While many clients choose to cut ties with narcissistic parents, Saxton believes maintaining a relationship can be possible with the right awareness. Establishing boundaries is crucial. “You need to know what’s acceptable and what isn’t. Ignoring their attempts for attention can help,” she advises, explaining that fighting with a narcissist typically gets you nowhere. “Navigating a relationship with a narcissistic parent is a delicate journey.”

Saxton reassures her clients that an upbringing with a narcissistic parent doesn’t have to dictate a lifetime of suffering. “It’s never too late to reclaim your life, regardless of your age or whether the parent is still around.”

*My Parent the Peacock: Discovery and Recovery from Narcissistic Parents* by Kathleen Saxton is set to be published by Hachette.