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Dear Care and Feeding,
My ex-husband and I are mostly on good terms after nine months of divorce, and we have five-year-old twins. His mother, who had a toxic, emotionally abusive personality, recently passed away. She treated her children poorly, especially my ex, making it clear she preferred her daughters. I had a tough relationship with her; she often expressed her disappointment in me for not giving her granddaughters.
My ex struggled with boundaries concerning their relationship. He usually limited his interactions with my family, as being around them reminded him of what he missed out on. After we began the divorce process, I was relieved to block his mother’s number after she left me an aggressive voicemail filled with insults, claiming I was selfish and hoping to take away my children.
Our kids had minimal interactions with her, seeing her only two or three times a year. This was primarily to avoid her saying anything hurtful. Now, I’m unsure how to inform them about her passing while also being there for my ex. I already support his therapy sessions, but I’m at a loss for how to help beyond expressing my sympathy.
How should we explain to the boys about the grandma they barely knew? This is the first significant death they’ve experienced, so it’s a whole new situation—and, honestly, none of us are particularly sad about it.
—Ding Dong the Witch, etc.
Dear Ding Dong,
Your mother-in-law sounds like a complex individual. It’s perhaps time to work on letting go of the resentment since she is no longer here. Her harsh words may linger for a while, but remember she’s no longer alive. Don’t let her negative presence continue to affect you. It might be helpful to talk through this in therapy for personal healing.
Regarding your boys—there’s really no need to overwhelm them with “death discussions” right now. They barely knew her, and she brought so much pain to your family. Maybe when they are older, and they inquire about her, then you can share your thoughts. When the time is right, you can narrate her story in a gentler manner. For now, focus on your well-being. There won’t be any apologies coming from her, and managing your pain is your responsibility.
—A.J.
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I have a two-and-a-half-year-old son with a common food allergy. Our friends and family understand this and he’s learning how to manage it, like wearing a medical bracelet and keeping his medication handy. He’s not in school yet but is with trusted adults, allowing me to focus on preparing him for any allergic reactions while letting others handle prevention. However, keeping him safe around his grandmother is becoming a challenge.
