How to Do It is a sex advice column.Have a question? It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
I’m a woman in an 18-year marriage with a husband who’s 22 years my senior. When we connected, I was still healing from a painful divorce, where infidelity was a constant issue. After careful consideration, I decided against traditional monogamy, and my husband was open to an alternative setup. For the first decade, we explored swinging and enjoyed it.
However, my husband has struggled with intimacy for about ten years now. We’ve consulted various specialists and tried several treatments, but nothing has worked. Recently, I noted it had been four years since our last intimate encounter, and prior to that, it was five years. I’m still relatively young and very much interested in sex. When I brought up exploring outside our marriage, he reacted negatively. I gently reminded him of our agreement for an open relationship; he simply requested that I not share too many details. I assured him I’d be truthful if he asked but wouldn’t flaunt it.
Finally, I found a way to satisfy my needs discreetly and safely, and it was liberating. I felt rejuvenated and noticed I was more attentive as a partner afterwards. Still, when my husband found something that made him suspicious, he expressed sadness without directly asking me anything.
I can imagine that it must be hard for him not to fulfill my desires anymore. Yet, this situation is biological. I do love him deeply and am committed in every other way. I don’t want to carry guilt about an agreement we’ve long upheld, but I also don’t want to feel like I’m hiding something. Should I come clean about my recent experiences?
—Turned On and Baffled
Dear Turned On and Baffled,
It might be helpful to clarify what he meant by asking you not to “brag” about your outside endeavors. The term “brag” can be interpreted in many ways. He may view any mention of your sexual experiences as boasting, or perhaps he’s concerned about the details, particularly regarding your enjoyment. It would be wise to directly ask him what level of information he truly wants. Does he prefer to remain in the dark about your activities, or would he be more comfortable if you both had a clear understanding?
It’s vital to respect his feelings given the circumstances. You’re getting to fulfill your needs outside of the relationship, which isn’t something he seems entirely happy about. He hasn’t actively tried to put a stop to it yet, but still, you might want to ease into these conversations carefully. A clear agreement could help pave the way, but be aware that needs may shift over time, necessitating adjustments to that understanding. Asking him how much he wants to know can facilitate this process. If he prefers not to know specifics, you can accommodate that while still getting your needs met. It’s crucial to honor both your principles and his feelings.
By the way, suggest he explore all possible avenues before resigning to limitations. If he hasn’t explored treatments like Trimix, a drug that can tackle erectile dysfunction, it may be worth discussing with him. Surgical options such as penile implants also exist, but of course, come with their own set of considerations.
And lastly, remind him that intimacy can exist beyond penetration. If he’s open to it, consider exploring other avenues of connection that don’t hinge on erections, which could alleviate some frustration. There are many ways to enjoy intimacy that might help both of you feel more fulfilled.
—Rich
