This column offers advice on various sexual topics. Have a question? Submit it here anonymously.
Dear How to Do It,
Years ago, my husband participated in a number of adult films. They weren’t particularly noteworthy roles, but now that we have two young teenage kids, I’m worried about what might happen if they find out about his past. Given how easily information spreads these days, when should we tell them, if at all? I’d hate for them to hear it from someone else.
—Your Dad Has a Past
Dear Your Dad Has a Past,
I’m not quite convinced that everything from the past is forever etched in stone. Sure, the internet has a long memory, but a lot of it gets lost over time too. Does every minor adult performer remain defined by that moment? Probably not. Many people move on without being recognized.
So, one option could be to let this past stay hidden and hope your kids never stumble upon it. It’s possible they won’t ever hear about it, and that might spare them a lot of embarrassment. You’ve mentioned that it would be harder for them to learn about it from an outsider, which… maybe? For some kids, hearing it from an outside source could indeed feel more shocking, but others might just find it uncomfortable no matter how they find out.
Now, if your family is generally open about sexuality and has talked about things that others might shy away from, it might make sense to have a chat about this sooner rather than later—especially if it’s weighing on your mind. Just remember, this conversation should feel organic, not forced. Maybe you could casually mention that yes, their dad dabbled in adult films when he was younger, and that it’s all in the past now. Keeping it low-key could help them process it without blowing it out of proportion. You hold the reins here; your tone sets the stage.
Dear How to Do It,
I used to identify as a top, but after meeting my first husband, Michael, I discovered my versatility in bed. Through experimentation, I became more comfortable and could totally enjoy the experience, regardless of the intensity. It was freeing. But after Michael and I divorced and I remarried Bobby, I’ve developed some issues with bottoming. Bobby generally prefers to bottom, so I end up doing it less, and now when I do try, it hurts quite a bit. He’s similar in size to Michael, but something feels different. Is it just that I’m out of practice, or is something else going on? I’ve had checkups recently, so I don’t think there’s any serious underlying issue.
—Pretty Sure It’s Not a Cervix
Dear Pretty Sure It’s Not a Cervix,
If you haven’t already had a thorough anal examination, consider having one done. Discomfort could stem from various issues that a normal checkup might miss. Finding the right specialist can make a big difference. If nothing is found, it’s possible you’re just not as accustomed to bottoming anymore. Trying sex toys or a dilator set could help reacquaint your body with that sensation. Remember, there are both external and internal muscles to relax when bottoming, and you might also be experiencing feelings from deeper structures not encountered before. Perhaps a little more exploration could help clarify this, or even using roleplay dynamics could enhance the experience for you.
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Dear How to Do It,
Is it common to have a sore jaw after giving oral sex? I’ve been doing this for a while, but I feel like, as I’ve aged—I’m 30 now—I can’t last as long. Sometimes I end up really hurting by the end. Is there a way to build back that stamina, or am I just destined to give up early from now on?
—Ouch
Dear Ouch,
A bit of pain can be expected depending on size, but if it’s intensely sore, that’s worth noting. There could be issues like TMD, which tend to arise in your age range. Seeking a doctor’s advice might be beneficial to understand the cause. They might recommend treatments based on what they find. In the meantime, experimenting with positions that lessen the strain might help. Communication with your partner is key. Don’t push through pain just for their pleasure; prioritize your own comfort too.
—Rich
More Advice From Slate
A personal note: my wife and I have a somewhat tangled sexual history. After some time in therapy, we’ve begun reconnecting sexually, and she’s discovered THC edibles, which she finds enhances her experiences. While I want her to enjoy herself, I can’t help but wonder: should I be worried she’s using it to escape our past?
