How to Do It is a sex advice column.Have a question?Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
I’m a 26-year-old woman who’s never been in a relationship or had sex, mostly because I struggle with my weight and feel unattractive. My standards are probably too high. For years, I’ve constantly fantasized about attractive men and women having these incredible romantic encounters. I often find myself getting turned on by both genders, which makes me wonder if I might be bisexual. However, I’ve only fantasized about heterosexual scenarios. Does that make me just straight?
As silly as it might sound, I honestly don’t know the answer. I’ve only had two crushes in my life, both were guys I knew well before I developed feelings, and both rejected me. I haven’t felt that way about any of my female friends, but perhaps that’s just because my closest female friends are more like me—less conventionally attractive.
I kind of want to identify as bi because I think it could be easier to find a girlfriend who meets my expectations than a boyfriend. But honestly, I also feel nervous about being openly bi in today’s world. How can I unravel this confusion?
—Bi Or Not?
Dear Bi Or Not?,
A lot of people believe that sexual orientation is something you’re born with and can’t change, so the idea of choice can be quite controversial. It’s true that some people use the concept of choice to argue against queer rights, but I don’t see it as a black-and-white issue like many others do. I mean, the pressures and hardships that can come from living outside a heteronormative lifestyle are significant. Choosing to be queer in that context is a bold choice. It’s not that simple, though. Most people don’t wake up and declare, “I’m queer today!” Regardless, I think what matters more is how individuals navigate their own sexuality. Many queer people consistently choose to embrace who they are, and that’s crucial.
So, I encourage you to explore. Why not lean into that interest in being bi? At this stage, you really don’t have much to lose. Given your lack of experience, it’s tough to fully understand what your fantasies mean regarding your sexuality. However, you might be considered bi-curious, so explore that with some actual experiences—whether that be romance or sex with someone of the same gender. Remember though, it’s essential not to let one bad experience or poor connection deter you from exploring queer relationships. You might want to try a few different encounters. And be aware that sex doesn’t always equal romance; sometimes a person can be sexually attracted to one gender without wanting a romantic connection, and vice versa.
It’s also important to have standards but recognize if they’re hindering you from seeking what you truly want in life. Yes, society does stigmatize fatness, which can make dating more challenging. But plenty of larger individuals find love and intimacy; it’s all too easy to put the blame solely on your weight. Although it might be tougher for you and that feels unfair, you can absolutely experience love and sex in your life. If you hold onto that belief, finding those connections could become more feasible.
Dear How to Do It,
My husband just started using a CPAP machine to combat his loud snoring and health issues, which I’m really pleased about. However, there’s a downside: the spontaneity in our sex life has evaporated. Once he puts on the mask, sex is off the table for the night, and I miss those unexpected moments we used to share. While I appreciate that we’re both getting better sleep now, I’m struggling with the shift. Any advice?
—The Mask
Dear The Mask,
Sometimes solutions come at the cost of spontaneity. Reading your letter reminded me of how, for some, taking a pill like Viagra can make things less spontaneous, too. It may take time to work, but some find the trade-off worth it for better performance. They adapt to the change.
In your case, adapting may mean planning a bit. It doesn’t seem too complicated to have sex before he puts on his mask. Perhaps ask him to wait a bit longer before using it. If he might fall asleep before he’s ready, he could set an alarm for an early hour to put it on. You could also explore having sex outside of just bedtime—why not look for opportunities during the day or earlier in the evening? You’re glad he’s taking charge of his health, so finding ways to work around that is essential.
Dear How to Do It,
I’m a gay man, and I had plans to meet someone for a hookup, but their messages and pictures really turned me off. My go-to reaction is to stop replying, but is there a better way to handle this? I always feel bad, but I don’t want to go through with sex I’m not interested in. How can I let them down gently?
—On Second Thought…
Dear On Second Thought…,
Ghosting someone is less than ideal, but confronting someone about losing interest is also uncomfortable. People often avoid being direct due to fear of how the other might react, and unfortunately, rejection can lead to negative feelings. The issue becomes more challenging when what you might tell them is met with anger or sadness. When you’re straightforward with someone whom you’ve only interacted with briefly, it can certainly complicate things.
Sometimes it’s better not to dive into the specifics. You may become a non-entity in their story, and letting them know you’re not interested anymore could linger with them, affecting their self-esteem. So why add to their potential pain? There’s plenty of love out there, and it isn’t fair for your opinion to carry so much weight.
In some profiles, people invite you to block them if you’re not interested, while others prefer a heads-up. If they aren’t explicit, you can keep your response kind but firm, stating that you won’t pursue anything further. For those not overt, creating distance through slower replies works well, allowing them to fill in the gaps with their assumptions. It’s okay to use the occasional white lie—like needing to take a work call or helping a friend—since in the world of dating apps, a lack of response often speaks volumes.
—Rich
More Advice From Slate
I’m a middle-aged woman who’s been in a marriage that lacks intimacy. While I love my husband, I can’t continue like this. I’m considering having an affair, but I’m not sure how. Men who match my sex drive seem to be younger, and I’m unsure they’d be interested in someone my age. Where can I find a higher-libido partner?
