Care and Feeding

Dear Care and Feeding,

My husband and I recently enjoyed a weekend away from our young kids, both under 4, thanks to my in-laws, who are in their 70s. I’m thankful for their help, but some things I noticed left me uneasy, and I’m not sure when to intervene.

For instance, while I was in the car with my father-in-law and my younger child, he ran a red light. I shouted, “You just ran a red light!” out of panic, and his reaction was simply to comment that he thought it was green without any further acknowledgment. This was alarming.

Additionally, I had gone over safety measures regarding the car seats with them before. However, when we returned from our trip, I noticed my father-in-law hadn’t tightened my younger child’s straps at all! After I pointed it out and demonstrated how to do it, he acted as if it were all new information, which it clearly was not. I’m troubled by both situations regarding my kids’ safety and my father-in-law’s well-being. I appreciate their willingness to help, but I can’t shake the feeling that I need to intervene. Am I overreacting?

—Childcare Is Never Free

Dear Childcare,

It’s clear that your father-in-law shouldn’t drive your kids anymore. You need to have a frank discussion with your husband about his parents’ capacity to care for their grandchildren. While many older adults today are more active and seem capable, there are also signs that they may not be as safe or aware as they once were. Given that your father-in-law has already demonstrated unsafe driving, he may need to stop driving altogether. It’s better to hurt his pride than risk a serious accident.

Dear Care and Feeding,

Teacher Appreciation Week is approaching, and my wife, Tess, and I are at odds over what to gift our son Sherman’s science teacher. When I took Sherman to Home Depot, he found a pink moon cactus and thought it would make a lovely gift since they’re studying plants. However, Tess lost her cool upon hearing about it, claiming the cactus looks inappropriate for a male student to give. I honestly don’t see how anyone would perceive it that way! Now, she insists we return it, and Sherman is disappointed. I’m considering hiding it until the gift day. Is that wrong?

—Cactus Craziness

Dear Cactus Craziness,

Your wife might be overreacting, but I also understand her perspective. I couldn’t find any images suggesting that a pink moon cactus resembles something inappropriate. But let’s be fair—parents often worry about the impression gifts might make. Men should generally be understanding when women have strong feelings about topics related to bodies and sexuality, especially given the harassment many face throughout life. However, it’s essential to address your wife’s concerns without dismissing them.

Try to explain your viewpoint and, if needed, respect her feelings by looking for another gift. Understanding her past experiences may also shed light on her sensitivities and help you both navigate this debate more smoothly.

Dear Care and Feeding,

This weekend at my brother-in-law Joe’s house, my 5-year-old daughter Abigail etched a picture into the door of his new car. Now, he’s demanding over $2,000 for repairs! I think he could have handled it for much less. My wife wants us to pay, but I feel he’s being unreasonable. Am I wrong?

—Car Kerfluffle

Dear Car Kerfluffle,

Honestly, your brother-in-law is right in this case. Your daughter caused the damage, and he can decide how to repair it as he sees fit. It’s important to keep an eye on kids to prevent such incidents. I understand the unexpected financial burden, but you must take responsibility for your child’s actions, even if it sucks.

—Jamilah

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