Care and Feeding is a parenting advice column.Have a question for Care and Feeding?Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My husband and I have two-year-old twins. It was unexpected since no one in our families has twins. We’re fortunate that his parents have been so generous with babysitting. They were a real help during those early days after my husband returned to work. They did things I wish my parents would have—my mother-in-law would come over and help me take a bath while my father-in-law watched the kids, or he’d do our laundry while she kept an eye on them. They even made our bed and set an alarm so I could nap while they watched the twins. They encouraged my husband and me to spend time alone together and facilitated that with their child care assistance.
We have a close-knit circle, including my husband’s siblings and our son’s cousins, and we often trade off on childcare. My brother helps when he’s around, but my in-laws are our main support system. I adore our kids and my husband, and I think having this support makes it easier to love them, even when things get tough.
My parents live nearby but we’re not very close. When I shared the news of my pregnancy with my mom, she didn’t react much. She attended my baby shower for a short time, as was polite, but then planned a vacation that coincided with my due date, despite my request for them to be around. We see them occasionally, but they don’t seem too enthusiastic. I’ve asked them to babysit a few times, but they’ve always been too busy, even during emergencies. It became clear to me, so I stopped asking.
Now, whenever my mom hears that my mother-in-law watched the kids, she acts as though she’s been slighted. If I mention something like my husband taking me to a concert for my birthday, she’ll immediately ask whether my mother-in-law was babysitting. If I express interest in trying out a new gym, she pivots to ask where the kids will be. It’s awkward, and I’m at a loss for how to address this. If she doesn’t want to babysit, that’s fine! But her apparent irritation that their other grandmother does has to end.
—I’m Too Old for Mama Drama
Dear Drama,
It’s hard to know what’s going on in your mom’s mind. Maybe she feels she should want to be more involved but is hesitant, or perhaps she truly doesn’t want to spend time alone with your children but feels envious about your in-laws’ involvement. Regardless, it’s crucial to be honest with her. You could approach specific situations: say, “Yes, my in-laws watched them when we went to the concert. Next Saturday, we’d like to catch a movie—would you like to take care of them then?” or “Can you watch them while I check out that new gym?” If she declines, you can say, “Mom, if you’re simply too busy, or prefer not to help, that’s fine. But it bothers me that you seem upset about my in-laws helping. Can we talk about that?” Even if she insists she’s not upset, remain firm. You’ve at least brought this issue to light.
If you’d rather not tiptoe around, just get straight to the point: “Mom, if you’re too busy…” It’s time for her to face the reality of the situation. No need to drag past grievances into the mix or overly praise your in-laws either—stick to what’s relevant. You might uncover what your mother is feeling, and even if you don’t, next time she sulks about relying on her family, just remind her, “We discussed this, Mom. Let’s not get into it again.”
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Dear Care and Feeding,
My son, “Brandon,” who is 7, and his cousin, “Caleb,” aged 8, go to the same school. Brandon has a friend named “Isaac,” who has mild Down syndrome. Recently, Brandon asked me if he could “catch” what Isaac has. I told him that Down syndrome is something you’re born with, not something that can be caught. When I asked why he wanted to know, he revealed that Caleb said that if he stayed friends with Isaac, he’d “be a R-word for life.”
I spoke with my sister-in-law, “Opal,” about Caleb’s comments. Shockingly, she found it hilarious. I get that Opal has a crude sense of humor, but this felt really inappropriate to me. Since Brandon will turn 8 soon, I think it’s unfair for Caleb to attend his birthday party after his remark. My husband believes I’m overreacting and warns that excluding Caleb could cause family tension. But I feel strongly that Caleb’s behavior was offensive. Please tell me I’m justified in my feelings.
—Bad Behavior Equals Bad Consequences
Dear Bad,
Choosing to uninvite an 8-year-old from his cousin’s birthday party as a consequence doesn’t seem right unless it aligns with Brandon’s wishes. If Brandon likes his cousin, then I understand the tension here. I remember being forced to be friends with relatives as a child, and I still feel annoyed by it, so I empathize. Yet, ignoring what happened just to keep the peace isn’t the solution.
Caleb’s comments might have stemmed from ignorance rather than malice. It’s best to take the higher ground here. If Opal isn’t addressing Caleb’s behavior, then perhaps it’s time for you to step in for Caleb’s benefit. Educate him about the insensitivity of his words and why they’re harmful. If Opal takes issue, it’s unfortunate. But if she’s not willing to guide her son, perhaps someone else needs to.
—
I’d advise having a conversation with Caleb while Brandon is present, assuming Brandon still wants to maintain a relationship with his cousin. You can invite Caleb over to play and then address the issue. You might say, “Caleb, I’d like to talk about what you told Brandon regarding Isaac. It’s important to know that Down syndrome is a genetic condition that isn’t contagious. Also, using the R-word is cruel and wrong. Let’s avoid that in the future.” This simple conversation could support both Brandon and his friend.
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Dear Care and Feeding,
I taught my kids not to use their phones at the dinner table. It seems like a basic expectation, yet I believe it’s actually helped them in the adult world—they’ve learned to engage in group conversations without retreating into their devices.
Several of my friends don’t enforce this rule, which is fine in their homes. But I find it frustrating to put in the effort for guests who seem glued to their phones while enjoying the meal I prepared. I’ve even stopped inviting some families because their children display such disregard. So, two things: first, parents should teach their kids to behave when dining at others’ homes. Second, is there a way to enforce this in my house without sounding rude?
—No Food for Robots
Dear Food,
I believe you can set rules in your own home! Before dinner, clearly state your policy: “We don’t use phones at the table.” Provide a designated spot for phones—maybe a basket for everyone to leave their devices. If guests dislike it, that’s their choice! After navigating the initial awkwardness, they might enjoy the phone-free time.
You’re not being rude if you communicate your expectations clearly. If you want people to remove their shoes at the door, say so. It’s unfair to harbor resentment toward guests who don’t follow unwritten rules. Likewise, it’s unrealistic to expect others to raise their children in the same manner you have. Different households simply have various standards, and that’s okay.
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