How to Do It is Slate’s sex advice column. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
I’m a cis woman and I have a significantly higher sex drive than my fiancé. I often find myself getting turned on by nearly anything, even knowing he might be tired or busy; it’s like my body is just ready to go. However, he’s currently recovering from an injury, which has halted our sex life for the second time in our three-year relationship. Interestingly, my libido tends to vanish in these situations, and I only notice it a few days into it. I don’t even feel the urge to masturbate! I guess I’m okay with it since he’s in pain, but I’m curious if other people experience these “vacations” from their sex drive as well.
—Hormones on Holiday
Dear Hormones on Holiday,
I haven’t encountered this phenomenon directly. There’s a lot out there about mismatched libidos, but your situation seems to fall into a category that isn’t as frequently discussed. It’s often idealized that both partners should have synchrony in their drives, even though that’s not the reality for many relationships. It’s interesting how little attention such compatibility receives.
In research, there’s a term known as sexual communal strength, which relates somewhat to your experience, though it’s usually about actively trying to meet one’s partner’s needs. You could say that if you purposely avoided any discussions about sex during your partner’s recovery, it could be viewed through this lens. Then again, sexual synchrony, as defined in a recent paper, focuses on the coordinated emotional and physical reactions between partners during sexual arousal. The paper does touch on the idea of reduced arousal also traveling between partners, which can lead to shared sexual issues. For instance, a study from 2019 indicated that male partners of women experiencing sexual arousal disorders reported more struggles with their own sexual satisfaction.
According to the sexual synchrony paper, there’s some evidence showing that couples’ nervous systems can reflect each other, which might explain the connection you’re noticing. However, I think if you want a simpler explanation, it could simply boil down to empathy. It seems that your response is closely tied to your partner’s situation—seeing his discomfort likely makes it hard for you to feel aroused.
No matter how we label it, it’s a bit of good fortune to find that your sexual responses align with his. Just think—if you were experiencing intense arousal during his down time, that could create a real dilemma for you.
Dear How to Do It,
I’ve been in a relationship with my girlfriend for two years; it’s been positive and healthy overall. I genuinely enjoy my time with her and can envision a future together. But, there’s a catch: we have different sex drives. I often bring up trying new, adventurous things in bed, but she doesn’t seem interested. She claims to orgasm but expresses dislike for oral sex. Our encounters are good but often feel repetitive, and I want to explore more. Am I wrong for wanting her to change? Should I adjust my expectations or is there something I can do?
—Sexually Frustrated
Dear Sexually Frustrated,
This mainly falls on you. To keep sex ethical and consensual, approach it like a yoga instructor: make suggestions, but ultimately accept your partner’s decisions. Not everyone is going to want to try every position, and that’s perfectly fine. Respecting her agency means being okay with a “no.”
Keep the conversation about your sex life ongoing. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to break out of the routine, just ensure it’s a joint effort. You currently have good sex, but pushing her into discomfort would likely lead to something far less enjoyable. Prioritizing her comfort is key to being a good partner.
Exploration requires both partners’ willingness to participate. Introducing new activities simply for the sake of it isn’t productive; the goal should be mutual enjoyment. Encourage her to share if she feels like switching things up. If she shows no interest, then it’s up to you: enjoy the good sex you’re having or reevaluate whether you can accept the difference in your drives. You may find that as much as you desire more, it’s essential to determine if you can coexist with that mismatch.
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Dear How to Do It,
My partner has been active on dating and porn sites throughout our time together. He’s even shared nude videos and photos. When I first discovered this four years ago, he claimed it was merely an interest in anal sex. Later, he mentioned wanting to meet people through these channels. I confronted him and decided to leave. He begged me to stay, explaining he never intended to hurt me and had never actually followed through with anyone. He’s been trying to amend things, and we are now in counseling. He has deleted all his accounts and allowed me access to his devices. Is there hope for us?
—Humiliated and Hurt
Dear Humiliated and Hurt,
As long as both of you maintain hope, there is potential for your relationship. Yet, hope is not the same as certainty. It doesn’t guarantee he won’t slip up again or that you’ll never want to leave. However, at this moment, both of you seem committed to preserving your relationship, which is crucial in partnership. While it may be hard to imagine that he didn’t grasp the hurt his actions could cause, he might not have fully understood the extent of it until now. It’s common for individuals to stumble in relationships, but their responses afterward shape true commitment. He’s taking steps to learn for the better, and this could be a significant chance for growth, which could strengthen your bond if it leads to a more respectful and ethical relationship.
You clearly see value in this relationship; otherwise, you would have acted on your threats to leave. Attending counseling shows commitment. Additionally, having access to his devices seems to be a step forward. Encourage him to discuss his temptations with you if you feel it’s manageable—keeping these topics transparent can alter the past patterns of secrecy. If necessary, this may be something to approach within therapy to receive support in navigating your emotions. Research often supports the phrase “once a cheater, always a cheater.” Still, people aren’t mere statistics, and many can adapt if they genuinely want to change. Stay cautious, but hold onto hope. It’s important and might help you through this journey together.
