How to Do It is a sex advice column.If you have a question, feel free to ask. All inquiries are anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
My wife and I often go several months without having intercourse. We tried last night, but it didn’t go well. She starts off fine with natural lubrication, but then the pain overwhelms her. We’ve experimented with artificial lubricants, but they stick and cause discomfort after a few minutes. She doesn’t want to see a doctor, worried that she’ll just be dismissed and told to lose weight.
We’re both in our forties and have been married for 15 years. It used to be different. Is there anything I can do to support her?
—Tired of Hurting My Wife
Dear Tired of Hurting My Wife,
I sympathize; many share your wife’s feelings about medical professionals. Given her age and the change in her situation, perimenopause might be playing a role in her vaginal dryness. She might be experiencing a condition known as vaginal atrophy, where vaginal walls thin and dry due to decreased estrogen. There are both topical and oral hormonal therapies available, but these would need to come through a doctor’s prescription. A good gynecologist should take her concerns seriously. Pain during intercourse is not something she should have to endure.
Meanwhile, consider changing the type of lubricant. In my experience, water-based lubes can become tacky, while silicone-based ones tend to offer a prolonged slippery feel (though you may need to reapply). I’ve found Swiss Navy effective, but I’ve also had good results with Gun Oil, Uberlube, and Replens. Additionally, she might want to explore suppositories like Foria’s Intimacy Melts or Evvy’s hyaluronic acid products, which could provide longer-lasting moisture without frequent reapplication.
While these suggestions may offer temporary relief, it’s crucial for her to see a doctor. Vaginal dryness can sometimes indicate other issues, such as yeast infections or other infections that might need addressing. Plus, you noted her weight, which is a delicate subject. If it seems appropriate, a gentle discussion about increasing activity for better blood flow and pelvic floor health could help her discomfort—just frame it positively around your intimacy rather than framing it in relation to her weight.
Dear How to Do It,
I have a hookup buddy with genital herpes. Life is too short for stigma, and I don’t want to use condoms for oral sex. Being active on the gay scene means I could contract herpes anytime, as many people don’t even know they have it. Since my friend is on medication, I believe the risk of oral sex with him is lower than with others, but now I’m wondering what to tell other hookups. I’m not a carrier myself, so am I obligated to disclose this about my friend? Some people prefer to minimize their risks, and I want to be considerate, even to strangers.
Yet, when I bring this up in bathhouses, the mood shifts. It seems odd that they’re okay until I mention it. Should I assume adults are aware that any kiss can carry risks?
I’m also worried about accidentally out my buddy since this community is small, and while I’m open, I’m only really enamored with him.
—Moonlight and Love Songs
Dear Moonlight and Love Songs,
Regarding HSV-2 transmission during oral sex, research indicates that the risk might be low, particularly when the person is on antiviral medication. Your rationale for not disclosing your buddy’s status is reasonable. You aren’t obligated to share information about his health unless directly asked. Furthermore, while it is important, people engaging in casual sex often understand the inherent risks. If a situation arises where someone asks about your activities with someone who has an active infection, then yes, you should disclose, but otherwise, it’s not necessary.
Keep in mind there could be someone sensitive about STIs, in which case letting them know you’re in contact with someone who has HSV-2 is fair, but emphasize the very low risk involved. Avoid volunteering details, as doing so could feel fear-mongering. Not disclosing information about an STI you don’t have is more truthful than framing hypothetical situations.
Have Your Own Story for How to Do It?
Readers often provide thoughtful suggestions for our writers or may even disagree with our advice. Each month, feedback will be addressed by Jessica and Rich, exclusively for our community.
Dear How to Do It,
I’m a bisexual woman in my late twenties who has yet to have sex. I’ve gone on dates with various people but haven’t felt the spark. Kissing seems unexciting to me. A friend suggested I might be asexual, but I enjoy using vibrators and reading erotica alone. There are a few celebrities I find attractive. I do want a relationship but am still coming to terms with my sexuality. How should I approach this with a potential partner, and when should I bring it up?
—Not All Hot and Bothered
Dear Not All Hot and Bothered,
Finding joy in sex toys and erotica doesn’t exclude you from the asexual spectrum. Sexual attraction is nuanced, and being asexual mainly means a lack of it. You can find someone aesthetically pleasing without wanting a sexual relationship with them. Consider if you view the celebrities you admire as potential sexual partners or simply appreciate their looks. That distinction can be significant.
Both your friend and myself can’t definitively label you asexual—you’ll need to explore what feels right for you. Not everyone who identifies as having a sexual attraction enjoys kissing, but that doesn’t mean you’re not drawn to others in some way. Reading more about asexuality could be beneficial in understanding how it fits into your life.
When discussing intimacy with potential partners, be honest, yet you don’t need to lead with your reflections on sex. You can simply state you’re figuring things out, and if you prefer to take it slow, communicate that. If you ultimately identify as asexual, dating app options exist that cater to a range of sexual identities, and communities for asexual individuals are also available. Since you’re still navigating the nuances of your sexuality, it might be premature to dive into those spaces just yet, but they could become valuable resources in the future.
—Rich
More Advice From Slate
As a woman in my early thirties with obesity, I’ve had some experiences with sex, but overall, it hasn’t been fulfilling. I often take a long time to trust someone before feeling comfortable, and there’s a significant amount of fatphobia around that leads to rejection before anything really starts. Should I just accept a life without satisfying sex? Is it worth it to focus on losing weight, even if that feels misguided?
