Classic Parenting Letters from Care and Feeding

Our advice columnists have seen it all throughout the years. Today, we’re revisiting some notable parenting letters for our readers.

Dear Care and Feeding,

I have two sons, ages 3 and 5. My parents look after them a couple of days each week while my husband and I are at work. Recently, my 5-year-old shared an incident that took place at his grandparents’ home.

He mentioned that grandpa spanked him. Honestly, my son can be a handful. He struggles with rules, dislikes being told no, and sometimes creates chaos for his younger brother. He has also been known to hit us when things don’t go his way.

We don’t support hitting our kids, yet I was spanked as a child and don’t feel it was abusive. After talking to my dad, he admitted to giving our son a light spank—and he feels terrible about it, promising it won’t happen again. I’m somewhat okay with this, as I understand how challenging our son can be and have even considered spanking him at times.

My husband, however, has reacted very strongly. He believes my parents should be thankful he didn’t call the police and has said they can’t watch the kids anymore. This has caused a real rift in the family. My parents are distressed and miss the kids, the kids miss their grandparents, and we’re facing financial strain with extra daycare costs and difficulty in finding after-school care.

I feel my husband is overreacting, yet he insists I’m not doing enough to protect our kids and that I’m not on his side. I suggested we seek professional help regarding our son’s behavior, but he’s against it; he worries this would make our son feel like there’s something wrong with him. He claims that everyone he’s spoken to agrees with him on this. I love my parents and value everything they’ve done for us. Am I justified in feeling this way, or is my husband’s reaction warranted?

—Can’t We All Just Get Along?

Dear Can’t,

I understand your husband’s feelings. As parents, you’ve established a no-spanking policy, and what your father did isn’t comparable to letting the kids have a lollipop—this is a serious breach.

You both agree your father was wrong. The challenge now lies in moving forward. Your father’s remorse seems genuine (I trust he has apologized to both you and your husband; if not, he needs to). Have you communicated to your husband whether he sees cutting off ties with your family as the only way to resolve this?

If he feels that way, then all the other factors—your son’s behavior, your father’s promise—may not matter to him. I agree he may be overreacting, but these are his children.

I hope you can find a way to be together, as perhaps your husband will remember that he can trust his in-laws. It’s crucial to focus not just on the financial cost of this family break but also on what it’s costing your kids. They miss their grandparents, just as their grandparents miss them. Your father caused one kind of hurt to your son; your husband’s response is inflicting a different kind. Maybe framing it this way might help him see the bigger picture and work towards mending family ties. Good luck.

—Rumaan Alam

Dear Care and Feeding,

I have two very young kids with serious developmental disabilities. They are delightful, and our family has rallied around us for support, except for my brother, who rarely reaches out. When my daughter was hospitalized, he chose to criticize my mother for not informing him about her condition rather than checking on her. That’s frustrating.

Recently, we updated our wills to designate guardians for our kids, should anything happen to my husband and me. Knowing the physical challenges involved in their care, we felt it was unfair to ask the grandparents. My brother-in-law agreed to be the primary guardian, but our attorney recommended naming a second guardian as well.

I thought my well-off brother and his wife would be good candidates, yet he declined without explanation except for “we’re not comfortable with it.” This has made me reconsider my relationship with him. Caring for my children is central to who I am, and I can’t maintain ties with someone who doesn’t want to be involved. He sent me a birthday message, which I just ignored. Should I keep pretending everything’s fine, or is it okay to distance myself until he addresses his inconsiderate behavior?

—Callous Brother

Dear CB,

There are two issues here. Your brother seems extremely self-centered and uninterested in your children, which is undoubtedly disappointing. You have to decide if it’s worth pursuing an apology or striving for civility at family events. You’re not obligated to interact with him at all.

The second issue is that when asking anyone to be a potential guardian—especially for children needing lifelong care and support—what matters most is honesty. Your brother was honest with you. He doesn’t want to take on this responsibility, and that’s a blessing in disguise, no matter how much it stings.

It’s important to find a guardian willing and able to commit fully, and take the necessary steps to secure their future and care. Given your attorney’s guidance, I’m sure you’re on that path. I wish you the best of luck.

—Nicole Cliffe

Dear Care and Feeding,

My 11-year-old daughter wants to try the Master Cleanse diet with her friends, you know, the lemon juice and cayenne pepper regimen that Beyoncé once did. We’ve always emphasized bodily autonomy, but this was not the kind of first disagreement I anticipated. Is this a harmless adventure I should allow for 48 hours, or should I intervene?

—Is This Real Life?

Dear ITRL,

This is a hard no. If she were a teenager, it might serve as a learning experience, but there’s no way an 11-year-old should be subjected to that kind of diet, even for a day or two. I’d also suggest informing her friends’ parents; children shouldn’t be tampering with their health like this. Are these new friends? How well do you know them?

Make sure you keep a close eye on her and her friends, and ensure she is eating enough. Her pediatrician should explain to her why those “puppy fat” reserves are crucial as she approaches puberty. And it might be beneficial to have a nutritionist talk to her class about balanced eating habits.

No Master Cleanse. Not happening. You can’t force her to eat, but this is the moment to step in with parental authority. Please keep me updated.

—N.C.

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