dear abby: Our wonderful daughter is a Ph.D. She is a hard-working professor and loves her job. Her husband “Phil” holds her three master’s degrees and a Ph.D. We have been married for 20 years and he has never worked. He’ll say he’s a writer, but if I’m being generous, he probably made $250 during his marriage.
Phil is rude, disrespectful, shockingly immature, a bully, toxic, and passive-aggressive. He drinks too much and goes to the gym three hours a day. I worked as a mental health worker. Her wife of 42 years, who has never had a negative thing to say about anyone, calls her son-in-law a “grumpy.” Their 10-year-old son is a joy and a blessing to be with. Unlike his father, he is hardworking, kind and grateful.
We fully understand that we cannot control others and often cannot even influence their choices. Over the years, we have spent nights in tears over the things Phil did and said to us. We were very generous to them during their marriage. I wish I could leave her daughter and grandson with her and give Phil a one-way ticket. Her daughter seems to be reasonably happy with her marriage, but I suspect she is afraid to say anything because she is afraid of being bullied. Any opinions? — clearly visible in Maine
Dear Sir or Madam: There’s a reason your daughter stayed married to this “winner.” If she’s afraid of what will happen if she speaks up about her feelings, tell me that she has more to lose if her husband gets out of his way than she does. It seems. You have the right to tell him how you feel about him, but ultimately the choice is up to her as to how she wants to live her life.
dear abby:I recently celebrated 6 years of sobriety. I’m having the same problem over and over again and I don’t know how to deal with it.
If you’re invited to dinner with friends or a group, when the bill comes, someone will usually suggest splitting the money evenly between the people. My problem is that water and salad cost an average of $30 including tip. Meanwhile, the rest of the group orders a few alcoholic drinks, which aren’t cheap in Los Angeles.
The first time it happened to me, I had dinner with a friend and was leaving the restaurant asking myself why the tab, which is normally $40, was $80. What’s a polite way to express that I only want to pay my portion of the bill? I don’t want to seem cheap, but fair is fair. — A down-to-earth wise man from California
Dear plain and wise people,:I agree that it’s fair. So the next time you go to a restaurant with friends, ask the waiter. in advance For a separate check. If your colleague asks why, explain the obvious. You’re a teetotaler and you don’t want to pay for alcoholic beverages you don’t drink.
Dear Abby was written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Dear Abby, contact: http://www.DearAbby.com or PO Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
