dear abby:I’m 34 years old, and I recently realized that I’ve started menopause. Most of the women in my family started working in their 30s and graduated by age 50, so I thought it might be early for me. I don’t have any biological children and probably never will. I think I waited too long for the right time, the right person, etc. I was careful to use birth control whenever I was sexually active and never left it up to my partner.
I am now struggling to cope with this feeling of loss. I know I shouldn’t be sad about something I’ve never experienced, but thinking about it brings tears to my eyes. I’m mad at myself for missing out on that. I have been married to a wonderful man for about 2 years, and she has been with me for 10 years. I wanted to get married and become financially stable before having children.
I feel like I’m being punished. It wasn’t fair for my poor husband to bear the brunt of my frustration and anger, and I apologized at the time, but I realized that she was slowly becoming more and more alone because of it. I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m sad, angry, frustrated, and empty. I wish someone who could answer or understand would listen to me. Any advice? — Sadness in Oregon
dear sadness:I understand exactly how you feel. It’s time to seek counseling to stop blaming yourself or your husband and get help dealing with feelings of sadness, anger, and frustration. Once that’s done, it may be time to consider options to satisfy your maternal instincts. These include adoption, foster care, surrogacy, volunteer mentorship, and more. Please consider it.
dear abby: Three years ago, I found myself being excluded by my colleagues. I’ve been trying not to worry about it, but it’s starting to wear me down mentally. I work at a dental clinic with 7 female staff members. I’ve worked with two of them for almost 20 years and always thought we had a friendship because we go to lunch together and sometimes do things outside of work.
Three years ago, I found out that they had a group chat with two other women and they got together outside of work, but I wasn’t included. What bothers me the most is when they laugh and talk in front of me about the funny memes and videos they send each other.
I’m tired of being excluded and I don’t understand why they did something like that. I don’t understand why this happened even though everyone was getting along so well. Any advice on what to say or do? — Illinois Apartment
dear apartment: People have the right to socialize with whomever they like (or not) after work. But it seems insensitive and bordering on rude for them to treat you the way they have. Next time it happens, you have the right to say so. It may lead to a “difficult” discussion, but you have the right to tell them how it affects you. Don’t rely on co-workers becoming personal friends. It may not be possible. From now on, we recommend building social relationships outside of the office.
Dear Abby was written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or PO Box 69440 (Los Angeles, CA 90069).
