Maybe he’s just not good at texting, or maybe he’s just not that interested in you.
That’s the question that comes to Adriana Guerrero’s mind when she, 42, is single and starts texting marriage-age bachelors only to receive toothless conversation in return.
Instead, the New York project manager expects “responsiveness and real engagement” when texting — if not, she believes the other person just isn’t interested.
“Everybody’s really busy,” she told The Post. “Sometimes I’m really busy and I don’t want to email somebody, but when I really want to email somebody, I will.”
In other words, “the text is bad” is not an excuse.
Most women have at some point fallen victim to a self-described “bad texter” — a boyfriend, significant other, or husband who rarely responds to messages and, when they do, fills the conversation with cold replies.
Despite the unanimous agreement that this behavior is a clear red flag, the aforementioned “bad texters” are a phenomenon that has recently sparked controversy on TikTok. Women lament online dating woes — still plagues single women, especially in New York, where dating is notoriously difficult.
“When you can’t even get a text back, it takes away a lot of the opportunity to communicate and connect with someone,” Tahira Jarrett, 33, a single New York resident, told The Post.
She lamented that single men “tend to get easily distracted” and text multiple women at once, resulting in completely bland messages and disinterested attitudes that make them feel “disposable.”
And it’s not just single women: Women in relationships interviewed by The Washington Post said their boyfriends or husbands are guilty of sending inappropriate text messages, but none of them wanted to be named for fear of damaging their relationships.
Ariana, a 29-year-old nursing student who declined to give her last name, described men’s texting habits as “short,” lamenting that they tend to pick out the parts of a longer message they want to reply to and ignore the parts they don’t — something she laughed at and admitted her own boyfriend was guilty of.
“I know he doesn’t mean anything bad, but he’s just one-word text message,” she told The Washington Post, adding that after three years of dating, she’s “used to it.”
After all, “a lot of men send those kinds of messages,” she added.
But non-response does not necessarily mean indifference. Connell Barrett, NYC Dating Coach “Sometimes,” he said in the Post, “men just don’t know how to seduce.”
“A big reason why men struggle with this is because a lot of men are very analytical and logical by nature,” he explained. “They speak and communicate in a logical and informational way, and information and logic are the polar opposite of romance.”
Barrett’s clients often don’t know what to say, can’t think of anything interesting or witty to say, and simply “give up,” which backfires and smothers any potential enthusiasm.
Miranda Felix, 18, and Carolina Martinez, 21, digital marketing interns from Kiruna Zabet, believe the lack of engaging conversation is down to men’s fear of being emotionally vulnerable, and lament that this “hard to get” attitude causes them to “lose hope” when it comes to dating.
“It gets a little frustrating when people don’t take what I’m saying seriously,” Guerrero said, complaining that he often finds himself in “last-minute situations” where 12 hours can go by without a response.
Waiting hours or even days after a first date to send a text, or pacing your responses so as not to seem overly enthusiastic, is “so tiresome,” laments Morgan Rondo, a 27-year-old entrepreneur who prefers people who respond quickly.
“It might work when you’re a teenager, but when you’re 27, you don’t want that anymore,” Rondot, a France resident who previously lived in New York, told The Post.
Barrett believes it makes no sense to wait an arbitrary but socially acceptable amount of time before sending an out-of-date text.
“The perfect rhythm is whenever you want,” he said, adding that the sooner the better. “I want men to give women the gift of clarity and certainty.”
In other words, if you like her, don’t play games.
He added: “You’re not going to be seen as needy or eager unless you’re the needy or eager person.”
For men looking to fine-tune their flirting tactics so they don’t send dry, lifeless text messages, Barrett, also known as “Real Life Hitch,” has digital dating down to an exact science.
He recommends three elements for mastering the risky art of texting: personalizing your messages, adding a bit of G-rated fun, and keeping your messages short and sweet, in the 20-25 word range.
But he warns that the goal shouldn’t be a permanent pen pal: As a general rule of thumb, he advises single men to ask a potential love interest out on a date after discussing two topics, rather than desperately searching for a fifth, sixth, or seventh topic to keep the conversation going.
If all else fails, subtle hints to blatant flirtations can also be the first move for women tired of texting and boring conversations.
“I wish women didn’t have to do this, but hey, it’s ok to drop a handkerchief or offer to help,” Barrett said, adding that some men fear rejection.
“She might say, ‘Is there anywhere you’d like me to take you?’ That’s a really nice way of saying it.”
