Amy Dickinson Tribune Content Agency
Ask Amy: Real World Advice
Dear Amy: I have a stepdaughter who is 38 years old and thoughtful and successful. We have a good relationship and enjoy each other’s company. I live overseas, so I only see her and her family once or twice a year.
The issue I am having is with her husband, my son in law.
He is completely anti-social and barely acknowledges my existence.
He never initiates a conversation and is either absent from family events or, when he is there, plays video games on his phone.
I have learned not to take this personally because he treats everyone the same, including his own family.
Family and friends have tried to understand his behavior: is he on the “autism spectrum,” is it a cultural issue (he’s from a different country), or is he just plain rude?
A few friends and family members have discussed this with my stepdaughter and she says, “That’s just the way he is.”
I’m planning on visiting them later this year and I’m already feeling anxious.
During my visit, his attitude was so unpleasant that I looked for an excuse to leave early.
Is there another way to understand and accept his behavior?
– Full of curiosity
Dear Curious: I don’t think there’s any need for you (or me) to diagnose or label my son-in-law’s behavior and then try to come to terms with it. “Coming to terms” (or accepting it) is a choice. You say you don’t take his behavior personally, but it sounds like you do.
It may be helpful to see him as a shy, introverted person who doesn’t initiate or actively participate in conversations, but when he is there he may be listening and witnessing the family dynamics in his own way.
As you say others have spoken to your stepdaughter about this issue, it might be helpful for you to talk to him (or him) and make sure he is comfortable with you coming as a guest into their home. I would be interested to hear if you have any suggestions on how to connect with him.
A “difficult” person will challenge you and test your patience, but they will also give you an opportunity to grow, and if you can’t grow, at the very least, convince yourself that you need to distance yourself from his behavior in order to save your relationship with your stepdaughter.
Email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, PO Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter. translator or Facebook.
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