TThe assassination attempt on Donald Trump last weekend is a tragedy. It is a tragedy for democracy, a tragedy for America, and most of all, a tragedy for the entire world because it means Donald Trump will be re-elected. And it is a tragedy for Donald Trump. Trump, whatever you think of his politics or his character, is still a living being and, as such, like Eamonn Holmes, can suffer.
Last week, you had a stand-up special. Basic Leewhich aired on Sky Comedy, was a surprise even to me. I wish someone had shot me last weekend, so that my work might have gained more attention. I hope the gunman at least wounds me while it’s still available on the Now streaming service (get what I mean?).
When the free world’s last line of defense against the Trump-MacArthur Regime™ ® is Joe Biden, we are already doomed. I’m going to quit drinking. Stubborn Biden is too selfish to be the focus of a popular tragedy. He instead chooses to let the world burn while clinging to his candidacy. He sits there smiling like a limpet in linen trousers, like a worthless piece of felt at a traveling fairground.
The reelection of the firebrand Donald is inevitable, and the implementation of the ascetic Project 2025 by Oliver Dowden’s friends at the Heritage Foundation is a long way off. The Handmaid’s Tale–Christian Fascist America is sure to come to an end, and so will the Enlightenment values shared by the postwar Western world as well as the American people. Fifty Shades of Grey An erotica franchise for women. And Trump’s obsession with fossil fuels will hasten the inevitable extinction of all life on Earth. The one bright spot is that he may see his golf course in Scotland reclaimed by rising sea levels.
Well-heeled and well-funded American liberals and intellectuals, like Kacey Musgraves and the Tool singer, are surely already considering their escape options as the country begins to descend into the hellish hell of evangelical religious dictatorship. But a Trump presidency will strengthen Trump and his right-hand man, Nigel Farage’s, ties to the Clacton constituency, which is set to be bulldozed and turned into a private golf course-cum-leisure complex-cum-stolen-archive seaside repository.
A joke, of course. But the assassination attempt on Trump and the resulting mayhem are no joke. Last Saturday, part of Trump’s ear was shot off. With the kind of calm that might have served Biden well while he was trying to remember the name of the Ukrainian president, Trump managed to stand up and, in a spirit of peace and reconciliation, shouted “Fight! Fight! Fight!”, inspiring the supporters who three years ago stormed the Capitol to lynch Mike Pence, the Hartlepool monkey of American politics.
But what if it had been Trump himself who was shot, and only the piece of Trump’s ear had been guarded by security? Would that piece of Trump’s ear flesh have been persuaded to run for president itself? Would that piece of Trump’s ear flesh have been able to beat Biden in a democratic election? Almost certainly. And would an America governed by that tiny snipped piece of Trump’s ear have offered the world a safer future than an America governed by Trump, or an America governed by Biden? Sadly, the answer is again a resounding yes.
The American Christian Right believes that Trump, despite his obvious moral corruption, is a giant tool of God plotting to turn America into their twisted theocracy. Evangelical Christian America believes that their selectively shortsighted God actually intervened to save Trump from the shooter, and let a heroic volunteer firefighter take the bullet. The firefighter is lucky. But how much more useful would a simply severed ear be to this morally ambiguous God, unbothered by accusations of trying to overturn an election, paying hush money to an adult film star, stealing classified documents, or sexually assaulting a woman in a department store? That ear would be innocent and pure and good, like Jesus or a fetus.
And if the ears, like Trump, had repeatedly associated with notorious sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein and his young friends, they would not have been able to behave inappropriately. And if the ears were found to have lost the public’s trust, the Republicans could easily eliminate them without much fuss, since they would not be able to defend or argue their case. Today’s ears are gone tomorrow.
Imagining how the Trump shooting might have played out raises deep ethical questions. Philosophers call this concept “killing baby Hitler.” Would it be ethical to travel from the future and kill Hitler in his crib to prevent World War II? Would it be ethical to go back in time and attack Trump and form a future government entirely out of Trump’s ears? Of course not. And the idea of replacing Trump with his own ears is, at this stage, completely unfounded.
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Rather than betting the future on Trump’s unpredictable policy decisions, whose exact political leanings remain murky at best, wouldn’t it be better to go back further in time and halt his rise sooner? Perhaps it’s time to look further back and see if he can stop the tide of the pandemic? Encountering Trump Home Alone 2 Macaulay Culkin could have consoled the beleaguered billionaire with the same innocent friendship he showed to the sad dancer Michael Jackson, provided Trump would give up his political ambitions. But Macaulay Culkin didn’t, and now we all suffer for his selfishness. The blood is running down Macaulay Culkin’s astonished toddler face.
Stewart Lee’s Basic Lee It’s available now on streaming service Now, and he’ll be previewing 40 minutes of new material at Stewart Lee Introducing Legends of Indy at the Lexington in London in August. Conny Plank (12) Swansea Bay (13) And David Lance Callahan (14)
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