Dear Abby: My mother is a toxic person. She had a terrible childhood and takes it out on me and my brothers. I live far away, but my brothers live in the same town as my mother. When my brothers don’t drop everything for my mother and do what she wants, my mother accuses them of being selfish.
I am being accused of “abandoning” her because I had to leave town to rebuild my life. I am being told I am selfish and also accused of not loving her. A few months ago we blocked her on social media because she constantly criticizes us. We have told her to find a therapist.
Today my sister sent me a screenshot of my mom being yelled at on Facebook again, and in the text message she sent me she said my mom went to see a psychotherapist and was told we were all insane.
Abby, why doesn’t the therapist realize that my mother is a delusional and toxic person? Why does the therapist encourage her delusions? What do we do now? Should I block her forever and never speak to her again because the therapist won’t help her? — An Incredible Story from California
For those of you who don’t believe it: Your mom may not have been honest about seeing a therapist. I doubt she would have found a licensed mental health professional who could diagnose you and your siblings as mentally ill without ever meeting you. Your sister who shared the screenshots may be able to tell you the name of the mental health professional so you can verify their credentials.
You wisely decided to improve your mental state and left town, so don’t feel guilty for protecting yourself if you need to block your mother and not contact her.
Dear Abby: I have been married for 24 years. We have a good income. I earn a lot more than my husband. From the beginning, he has asked me to share everything. (He is not the type to “provide” anything.) Financially, he sees me as a roommate. I was used to relying on my parents for financial support.
I am tired of being the provider. I pay half the mortgage and spend much more on other expenses. I am also responsible for all the cleaning, laundry, cooking, washing dishes and cleaning up after my husband for 24 years. I have a full time, very stressful job and when I get home from work I help with the housework. My husband works from home and naps/siestas in the afternoon.
He contributes nothing to the marriage other than paying half the bills. I’m not physically attracted to him anymore. You can’t blame me. Most women aren’t attracted to men they can’t provide for. We have one child. I can’t breathe and would rather die young than grow old in this hopeless, depressing situation. I just want acknowledgment that I shouldn’t have to put up with this. — Western Nurturer
Dear Provider: I don’t know how many other women out there could endure the kind of marriage you describe, but there are plenty who can. You are entitled to your feelings, but it’s important to consult with a family law attorney before taking any rash actions. Under California law, the golden state of community property, your husband may end up receiving half of your hard-earned assets.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or PO Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
