Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Delia Cai is filling in as Prudie for Jenée Desmond-Harris while she’s on parental leave. Submit questions here.
Dear Prudence,
I recently moved to a different country from the one I grew up in. I’m very happy with the life I have built for myself—I have a loving partner, a great community, and career-wise, I hold a high-ranking position that keeps me busy and challenged, but fulfilled.
The problem is my mother. Our relationship is strained, for a few reasons, one of which is that she’s always trying to subvert any boundaries I set. Case in point: I haven’t invited her to visit me since my move (partially because whenever we spend time together she does nothing but criticize me). So imagine my surprise when she called to tell me that she’d decided to vacation in my area for a week—as in, her plane had already landed and she was talking to me from her hotel room—and wanted to know if I was free for lunch on such-and-such a day “since she’s in town anyway.” Prudie, where I currently live is NOT her kind of place (think someone who doesn’t enjoy the beach talking about booking a vacation to Malibu), and she never mentioned any vacation plans to me before this. Not to sound conspiratorial, but I immediately thought this was a scheme to try and weasel in a visit with me despite not being invited.
I told her I was very busy (which I am!) and that this really wasn’t a good time (which it wasn’t!) so I would have to decline meeting up this time. I also told her that I really wished she would’ve given me a heads-up before coming all the way here, but she just scoffed that I’m not the ruler of this country and she doesn’t need my permission to travel here if she feels like it. I wish that was the weirdest part of this whole thing, but unfortunately, it’s not. While we were on the phone, she also casually admitted to cyberstalking a couple of the people who work under me. That’s not the word she used but it’s what it sounded like to my ears: She reached out to them on LinkedIn and posed as a prospective client, asking them questions about the company, and specifically what they thought of their boss (me). It seemed obvious to me that she was trying to figure out what sort of outfit I was running so she’d have more things to criticize me about when next we spoke.
My question is: How on Earth do I prevent her from pulling a stunt like this again? She technically hasn’t done anything illegal or wrong. But I’d rather not have to worry that at any moment she could be walking around casing my city without my knowing and interrogating my colleagues behind my back! Is that so unreasonable?
—Stalked By My Own Mother
Dear Stalked,
I thought your mother’s conveniently, coincidental trip sounded fairly innocuous until I read the latter part of your letter, wherein she has resorted to catfishing your colleagues to get a read on your life. You were right to set and stick to your boundaries and not meet up with her during this visit, but you also need to communicate to her that this LinkedIn scheme is absolutely unacceptable and jeopardizes your professional life.
Part of me sympathizes with your mother’s obvious desperation to get close to you and find even a morsel of information about you, and I’d like to imagine there’s a happy fairytale solution to this where you figure out how to give her a tiny piece of connection and closeness so that she doesn’t feel like she has to track it down herself. But people who routinely cross boundaries like this are not known for their reasonableness, and I wonder if it’d be more productive to make your mother aware of how close she is to losing your relationship completely if she continues to make you feel this hunted.
The other part of me wonders if she’s always been like this, or if this is a notable escalation or change in behavior. Is it possible that your mother is exhibiting obsessive tendencies—that is, is it possible that she’s unwell? You’re not paranoid; her “stalking” is indeed out of the ordinary, and it gives me reason to wonder if there’s genuinely something serious going on with her mental well-being. Even if this is “just how she’s always been,” it doesn’t mean that she can’t benefit from getting help now. You can gently suggest she seek out a professional if that’s the case (or family therapy between the two of you could be a place to start), because your relationship depends on it.
Please keep questions short (
Dear Prudence,
It’s clear to me that my beloved 14-year-old dog, “Milo,” is at the end of his life and that it’s time to start making arrangements. He’s at the maximum dosage of three different pain medications and having stiffness, soreness, and major mobility issues throughout the day. He has fallen on the stairs a handful of times recently and I’m worried he’s going to hurt himself. During the day, Milo is mostly in a good mood, but at night, he struggles to get comfortable and paces around the room in the middle of the night panting.
I feel like it’s time. We have the opportunity to choose the moment and be with him at the end and make sure it’s as peaceful as possible. My husband, “Chris” is having a hard time coming around. Because Milo is still eating, drinking, and enjoying short walks and affection from us, Chris thinks we should keep waiting. I think Chris is looking for the light to go out before making the call, whereas I never want to see the light go out. I fear the longer we wait, the more likely we are to come home from work to find him gone, or even worse, having to do it during a traumatic visit to the vet for an injury. I really believe in the old adage that it’s better a month too early than a day too late.
We’re at an impasse here and Chris keeps putting off talking about it. I adopted Milo about three years before Chris and I met and we’ve never really outgrown thinking of him as “my” dog when it comes to the important stuff. So I feel kind of stuck with a difficult responsibility and I want my partner’s buy-in that he is reluctant to give. I don’t think we should do it like tomorrow—but in about six weeks we’re going on vacation with some friends and it feels deeply wrong to leave Milo with a dog sitter during any part of his final time with us. So sometime in the next month, we need to get on the same page about this. (Again, I truly believe we’re on the cusp here, I would cancel the trip if I felt like we had more than six weeks of quality time left.) Can you help me figure out how to navigate this with Chris?
—Saying Goodbye
Dear Goodbye,
It sounds to me like Chris is unaware of how badly (or quickly) an aging dog’s health can deteriorate, beyond just the several nightmarish situations that you have already outlined in your letter. Chris may be in denial, but I think you’re within your rights to come down harder on how painful, sad, and cruel it would be to leave Milo at the hands of a stranger in his final hours, or to wait until Milo is decompensating in real-time. The ability to give a pet a loving, painless death is perhaps the ultimate responsibility of a pet owner. I would bring your boyfriend along on a vet appointment where he can hear these words coming from someone who’s personally seen far too many dogs suffering well past a dignified end.
Neither of you can change the fact that your dog is going to die, but you can control whether the inevitable takes the shape of a meaningful, considered event or a nasty shock. Tell your boyfriend that it’s important to you that Milo has a peaceful end, and that it’s bordering on selfish behavior to deny him it.
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Dear Prudence,
I am in my late 30s and pregnant. My husband is in his 40s and has two adult children in college from an early marriage. I met them while they were teens and have no problem staying out of the stepmother role. I am happy just being their dad’s wife. They both have been ambivalent about my pregnancy, but my stepdaughter recently dropped out of school to “figure stuff out” and has started being nasty to me.
She will deliberately cook smelly food and claim she forgot about my morning sickness, leave shoes on the stairs where I can slip and fall, and make jokes about how I can’t see over my belly. I lost it when she randomly talking to a friend on speaker phone about how gross and cringe it was for old people to be having babies in their 40s. She smirked right at me while she said it and I started crying. My husband came out to the living room and his daughter claimed she didn’t do anything, and said that I was just hysterical, and always “spying” on her. They fought and she stormed out. She left for several days and didn’t tell anyone where she was.
My husband was originally on my side but then got desperate to know where his daughter was. Now I am the bad guy who needs to rise up and be better over an adult trying to bully me in my own home. I am not going to bring a baby home to this environment. I am six months pregnant and don’t need this stress! My husband keeps making excuses about how hard this is on his daughter. She’s not 6, she isn’t even 16. She is 21 and both her parents were married and working at her age. I was starting graduate school and working full-time. My stepdaughter doesn’t even have a part-time job right now. We pay all her bills. She doesn’t have to like or be happy about the situation but being civil is the bare minimum. Help!
—Pregnant in Pennsylvania
Dear Pregnant,
It’s time to have a serious conversation with your husband about the logistics of this living situation. Make it clear that you need to bring this baby into an environment that is as stress-free and peaceful as possible, and your stepdaughter is making that impossible.
But the biggest card you have to play is the obvious fact that this stepdaughter is absolutely not going to enjoy living in a house where there’s a newborn who will demand everyone else’s attention. Paint him a picture of how this scenario would play out: You’ll be sleep-deprived, he’ll be sleep-deprived, and there’s going to be a baby crying at all hours of the day. What 21-year-old wants to deal with that?
She needs to move out, and I think you can genuinely pitch this idea to your husband as something that will be best for her own sake. The reality is that she’ll likely need a large degree of financial support to do so, which requires you and your husband to discuss how feasible that is for you two (and whether her other parent, if they’re in the picture, would be willing to pitch in) and for how long. Shift the focus from how awful your stepdaughter is being (she’s clearly taking out her unhappiness on you), and instead bring attention to how practically untenable your living arrangements are for everybody.
Dear Prudence,
My three brothers were sexually abused by a relative as children. They’re now in their 60s and 70. Our parents did the best they could given the times. The 60-year-olds did therapy in their 20s and it in no way defines them. This wasn’t the case for the 70-year-old. He abused drugs. He blames our parents for his PTSD and lashes out with no apology or acknowledgment. I spent decades as his verbal punching bag to the point that it caused me PTSD and I had to step away. With no knowledge (despite my sharing) of his past behavior toward me, his wife wants me to reconcile. She claims he has no control over his actions, because “it’s his PTSD,” but this ignores mine and his direct role in it. I love my brother and want to reconcile but need him to acknowledge and apologize for the hurt he’s caused me but he will not.
—Does PTSD Excuse All Things?
Dear PTSD,
To answer your question, no, it doesn’t. Reconciliation is a two-way street; it doesn’t work if one side refuses to engage (or is unable to).
That said, you will need to consider what you personally want from your brother at this life stage, given that he’s unlikely to change his behavior. Does it benefit you to preserve a small semblance of a relationship, or do you need to cut him off fully? Either option is a fully valid choice, in my opinion. Just because someone is family does not mean that you’re ever required to make yourself available to their verbal, emotional, or physical abuse, whatever state they’re in. You can love them from afar and mourn the loss of your relationship at the same time.
Dear Prudence,
I have been engaged twice before. The first time, my fiancé ended up tragically drowning a month before our wedding. The second time, I discovered that the man was sleeping with his ex and broke up with him before we even booked a venue.
Right now, I am with a funny, sweet man who adores me. We have been talking about getting married and he understands my trepidations. We talked about eloping but he is an only child of only children and wants his parents present. I have a large family and we live in the same local area. They have a big New Year’s Eve party every year. I thought it would be lovely to just have a friend who is an officiant to have us say our vows as the ball drops. I tested the waters by bringing up that my boyfriend and I were thinking of getting married over a family brunch.
My sister started to laugh and made the joke of bad luck coming in threes and that my boyfriend should look out for lightning and black cats (which I have three of). Then everyone else started to laugh and I got told to not be “so serious” about the subject. Even by my mother! I still can’t wrap my head around my trauma and loss being the family joke. It’s not my fault that my first wedding ended up being my fiancé’s funeral and they all had to fly in for it. It isn’t like anyone lost anything the second time around other than my own dignity and trust in men. I am very tempted to tell my fiancé to plan a destination trip with his parents so we can elope there. My family can find out on social media and act all confused and hurt about how I could possibly leave them out. Help!
—Family Joke
Dear Family Joke,
Your family behaved insensitively, to say the least, and you’re well within your rights to plan a wedding however you’d like. But I think it’s still on you to communicate to your family how inappropriate their joking was, even if it feels obvious to you. My biggest personal rule is that you always have to tell someone when you’re angry with them and why—to act otherwise and wait for them to “notice” or react is passive-aggressive behavior, and it only complicates matters for everyone.
Tell your family that you’re deeply hurt by their jokes, and that because of this, you are now considering not involving them in your wedding. They might take this as an affront or say that you’re the one being too sensitive, which they are free to do—just as you are free to celebrate your nuptials with whomever you want. Do what feels right to you, but don’t keep your family in the dark about your feelings.
—Delia
Classic Prudie
I have been dating “Diane” for several months. She is 24 and has a 4-year-old son “Stevie.” She lives with her parents and works full-time. I enjoy spending time with her and her son, but she has this nasty habit of forgoing arranging child care and just dragging her son along on our dates.
