Predicting the NFL Wild Card round based on which mascot would win in a fight

January 8, 2025

There are many perfectly reasonable, considered, and analyzed ways to evaluate the matchups that ultimately lead to the Super Bowl. Not this time. Not found at this URL on the World Wide Web.

We should only evaluate these NFL playoffs based on the science of combat. If you eliminate 53 players from each team and turn each match into a one-on-one gladiator battle between mascots, who will come out on top?

AFC wild card

Los Angeles Chargers vs. Houston Texans

It's really unfair, but texans This round will be a bye. of charger They're one of only four teams in the NFL without a mascot, and they're not getting around the rules by allowing Boltman to participate. First, Boltman is unofficial and he hasn't really been tied to the team since it left San Diego.

Toro the bull wins by default. But we'll discuss that later, Toro.

Houston Texans win.

Pittsburgh Steelers vs. Baltimore Ravens

This will be the third time these teams have met this season, but the first time it will be decided in a mascot death match. It's hard to call this one. On the one hand, you have Steely McBeam, the champion of the working class, someone ready to help.

If this were a man vs. man game in the NFL, I would choose Steely. This man has killed people before and buried the bodies under the foundation of a construction site.

unfortunately he is hostile this.

Baltimore doesn't have all three Crows in the interest of fairness. Even so, Poe alone is terrifying. I don't think people understand how scary a crow can be, with a human-sized beak three feet long. Regardless of this monster, humans are naturally surprised when a sparrow falls down a chimney. He's going to tear poor Mr. McBeam apart.

baltimore ravens win

Denver Broncos vs. Buffalo Bills

This is the difficult part. We have two animals that naturally enjoy working in rush conditions. For that you need to rub the buffalo, which destroys the horse.

However, we're not talking about Buffalo vs. Horse, we're talking about Billy Buffalo…

Against Miles.

Denver Broncos vs. Kansas City Chiefs at Empower Field at Mile High Stadium

No animal mascot is more inherently evil than Miles. Miles is to horses what Pennywise is to clowns. Miles fights for fun at an underground fight club on the weekends.

Billy Buffalo is not ready to endure this smoke. he is very kind and gentle.

denver broncos win.

NFC Wildcard

Green Bay Packers vs. Philadelphia Eagles

There will be a bye in the NFC, and Green Bay will also be a team without a mascot. In the formal world of the NFL, unofficial mascots don't count. If you can't make money with the shield, it's pointless. I don't set the rules…well, very specifically I do. do We will set a rule here and prohibit unofficial mascots.

By default, Swoop wins.

philadelphia eagles win.

Washington Commanders vs Tampa Bay Buccaneers

This is our first fight and both contestants have military ranks. There's Major Taddy, an anthropomorphic pig soldier worthy of Washington.

Confront the terrifying pirate Captain Fear.

NFL: August 16 Preseason - Dolphins vs. Buccaneers

I may be in the minority, but I don't think pirates are that scary. They were skilled at surprise tactics, ship capture, and psychological warfare. All of this would be incontrovertible against a pig with a military background.

Major Tadi has an overwhelming group advantage, and Captain Fear's sword is a showpiece. I think War Pigs will win this one pretty easily.

commander of washington win.

Minnesota Vikings vs. Los Angeles Rams

This is a showdown of horned heads, but here's the problem. There is no historical evidence that Vikings actually wore horned helmets. It was invented in the field of art and opera in the 1800s.

That makes Victor the Viking a bit of a poser. Even Zubazu is a poser.

Victor is as scary as the Viking in the Eurovision Song Contest, so he stands no chance against a man-sized angry ram like Rampage.

Ram is also underrated. If you've ever been falsely charged by Ram, you know it's scary. We see Rampage lunge at Victor, remove his legs, and devour his supine body.

Los Angeles Rams win.