Dear Abby: I’m engaged to a wonderful woman from abroad. She’s a divorcee with a 19-year-old son who’s doing well in college. She largely raised him on her own. Due to some mental health challenges and symptoms of ADHD, her son was definitely a handful. I, on the other hand, am healthy, have multiple advanced degrees, including an MD and PhD, and enjoy a successful career. I’ve raised six happy, independent children, and I’m financially stable.
My issue is that she sometimes treats me more like a child than a partner. She regularly asks if I’m cold and tells me to wear more layers. She inquires whether I’m hungry or tired or if I need to work out. I don’t believe her intentions are malicious; she genuinely cares for me and expresses that love through typical maternal concern.
I’ve told her multiple times that she doesn’t need to give me advice about what to wear or eat. I’m an adult and have managed just fine for a long time. While she doesn’t have as much money as I do, I plan to support her. However, I can’t keep putting up with her motherly attitude. I’ve mentioned that I need a romantic partner, not a mother, but that doesn’t seem to resonate. How can I help her see me as an adult rather than someone she needs to guide? – No One’s Kids in New York
Dear Who’s Child: Your fiancé might not be trying to treat you like a child. Many women feel the need to fuss over their partners. That said, her behavior seems to be discomforting and has a negative impact on you. You may need to be more straightforward in your communication. Tell her that her actions are a turn-off, and that you’re considering ending the relationship if it doesn’t change. Framing it that way may help her understand your feelings. Otherwise, it could be a mismatch.
Dear Abby: I’ve been with my partner for 10 years. The first couple of years were great, but things have been slowly deteriorating. For instance, we used to go out for movies and dinners on weekends. Now, we hardly do anything unless he wants to play cards, which I find boring. It feels like I’m just wasting my life at home. Plus, I always have to drive and pay for gas, which is getting old. Any advice? – Tired in Missouri
Dear Tired of You: You seem to take a passive role in your relationship. If you want a shift in the dynamics, you need to assert yourself. If you find cards dull, then make that clear. If he doesn’t want to go out to dinners or shows, it might be time to go with a friend instead. Don’t be afraid to say, “I’d like to use your car this time.” Remember, nothing changes unless you do.
