Dear How to Do It,
I’m a gay man who hasn’t come out to my conservative Southern family yet. My sister’s wedding is in a month, and at every family gathering over the last few years, relatives have tried to set me up with various eligible women from their circle. I have a close friend, Desiree. Would it be okay to ask her to be my date so I can avoid all these matchmaking attempts?
—Sour on Goin’ Back Down South
Dear Sour on Goin’ Back Down South,
It’s tough being gay in today’s political climate, and I can understand why you want to make this easier for yourself. Ideally, everyone would feel comfortable being open about their sexuality, but, sadly, that’s not the world we live in. Family ties—no matter how politically charged—can be complicated, and I don’t think you should be judged for staying private about your identity. It’s a choice you’re making for your own reasons, and it’s certainly a heavy burden to carry.
However, your reasons for bringing Desiree into this seem a bit flimsy. Yes, it’s all tied up in the deception you feel you need for family events, but approaching her as your shield might be problematic. Those matchmaking comments are frustrating, but they’re still just small annoyances. The bigger concern is that you’re not out to your family for legitimate reasons, and having a date would help you manage that situation. So, perhaps avoid referring to her as your “beard.” Just calling her your “date” might do the trick. Your family, with their expectations, will likely assume she’s something more, and you can keep things vague if they ask, saying something like, “We’re taking things slow.”
But ultimately, this plan is only viable if Desiree is on board. If she’s unaware of the situation, you should explain everything and let her set her own boundaries. She might see your request as an imposition, and if she declines, it’s important not to take it personally. If she goes along with it, you should ensure it’s a comfortable experience for her and consider giving her a nice gift as a thank-you for her support.
Dear How to Do It,
I’m dreading summer because the heat makes me smell, and my wife avoids giving me oral sex during that time. I’ve tried various deodorants, but nothing really helps. Any suggestions?
—Tired of Only Getting Head for Half the Year
Dear Tired of Only Getting Head for Half the Year,
Not to make light of the situation, but the differences between the troubles of straight versus queer experiences can be quite amusing. In many gay circles, some guys actually value certain scents—yours could even be considered a prized trait! But since “find someone who appreciates your scent” isn’t realistic advice, let’s focus on actual solutions.
Aside from deodorant, you might want to consider trimming your pubic hair, as it can trap odors. I know it sounds a bit extreme—to choose between grooming and getting oral—but it could help. You could also try using talcum powder, which might work better than deodorants. Have you thought about washing before intimate moments? It could make a difference. Timing is important too; maybe opt for moments when you’re not too sweaty, like early in the day after a shower.
There are also health concerns that could contribute to odors, like infections or sensitivities linked to medications or diet. If you’re worried, a visit to the doctor could provide clarity.
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Dear How to Do It,
I’m not one to give oral sex, but I want to learn since it’s something many men enjoy. What do you suggest?\
—Gotta Start Somewhere
Dear Gotta Start Somewhere,
Consider focusing on the pleasure aspect of giving oral sex. It can be rewarding to make someone feel good in such an intimate way. It’s empowering to have that ability to elicit pleasure. Plus, remember that this act makes the receiver vulnerable in a way, which can be intriguing. Embrace those sounds and expressions of enjoyment—it adds to the experience.
Giving blowjobs can sometimes feel mechanical. The expectations for depth or speed can create pressure that detracts from the joy. A partner who truly enjoys oral sex makes all the difference; they can really help you enjoy the act. Keep an eye out for someone like that; they’re often worth the search.
Regardless of what your partner wants, remember you have control over the pace and technique. Make sure whatever you do feels natural to you. If it helps, consider using your imagination during the act to keep yourself engaged. While giving oral sex isn’t for everyone, it’s definitely worth giving it a shot.
—Rich
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