Our advice columnists have encountered a wide array of questions over time, so we’re revisiting our archives to share some memorable letters with readers. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. It’s anonymous!
Dear How to Do It,
I’m a straight woman in my 30s who’s struggled with orgasming—it only happens occasionally with direct clitoral stimulation. Recently, during a doctor’s visit, I was startled by the sensation of water flushing my ears, which unexpectedly led to an orgasm. The doctor thought I was in pain, and out of embarrassment, I went along with it. Now, I’m determined not to experience that at a medical appointment again. How can I separate this experience? I want to keep things clinical if I need another medical ear flushing, but I’d love a safe way to achieve orgasm at home. It’s confusing to realize I can orgasm easily in an unexpected way, but it feels so strange and maybe unsafe. Is something wrong with my body? This shouldn’t be an erogenous zone!
—All Ears
Dear All Ears,
Your ears can indeed be an erogenous zone. In fact, there’s enough discussion around ear stimulation that many articles highlight its significance. The vagus nerve, which runs through that area, has been linked to orgasm, especially vaginal orgasms, since the ’90s. Research mainly involves women with spinal cord injuries, but it’s a validating point. You’re not alone in this experience.
That said, your ears are sensitive, and while some may live with hearing loss, it’s important to protect that area. So, steer clear of blowing air into your ears or using Q-tips inappropriately.
If it were me, I’d consider talking to your doctor again about the reaction you had. They likely have encountered similar situations and can provide information on how to safely stimulate your ears or suggest safe at-home flushing methods if that’s preferable for you. Good luck!
—Jessica Stoya
Dear How to Do It,
Before the pandemic, I accepted my near exclusive attraction to women after two years of dating men. I’m confident about this shift, but now I face a new challenge: I’m a 240-pound woman who wants to be dominated in bed, yet due to my size, I often find myself in a more dominant role. While I enjoy pleasing others, it doesn’t satisfy me much when I’m in control. It feels awkward to say, especially when my date is otherwise attractive but can’t physically restrain me. How can I express this desire to potential partners? Should I only consider dating women who are stronger or larger than me?
—Big Switch
Dear Switch,
Your feelings about not getting satisfaction when you aren’t restrained are significant. It’s completely okay to have specific desires and to seek partners who share or can meet those requirements. Your enjoyment is just as valid as theirs. It seems that even while being the dominant partner, you derive some pleasure from that, and if that brings you joy, you should continue.
Taking turns, or switching roles, is a good approach. You can cater to your partner’s desires, then fulfill your own in turn. The roles in sexual contexts can be flexible and temporary, and you have the power to switch whenever necessary.
Have you thought about using objects for restraint? Options like ropes or cuffs might provide the experience you seek without relying on another person’s strength. This method allows you to assert control in ways that are safe for both parties. Remember, it’s crucial to establish communication and trust before engaging in anything risky.
You might also enjoy pretending to wrestle with partners who aren’t as strong. There’s always a sense of fantasy present which keeps these interactions safe.
Ultimately, if you find that dating larger women fulfills your needs better, that’s completely acceptable. You deserve to pursue what brings you joy and satisfaction in relationships. Everyone has preferences; feel free to have yours too.
—J.S.
Dear How to Do It,
Throughout high school, I believed I was just a late bloomer when it came to sexual attraction, but now that I’m in college, I think I might be asexual but heteroromantic. Learning this was a relief; I’d always felt odd for not being into sex. And now, I see how challenging it may be to date. While I’m not sex-repulsed, I can’t say I’m thrilled about it either. Maybe, if I really care for someone, I could have sex down the line. But the thought of dating seems daunting. I fear it’s unfair to deny someone a sexual relationship since I’m not into it. Is nonmonogamy the answer? Would it work in a long-term commitment? I’d love to marry someday, but it seems impossible without sex. Should I just accept that dating isn’t for me right now and focus on friendships instead?
—I’m Overthinking This, Right?
Dear Overthinking,
Yes, you might be overanalyzing this situation. It sounds like you’re grappling with many aspects of your future, and perhaps feeling pressure to define your romantic life isn’t necessary just yet. You’re in a period of transition, and not having everything mapped out right away is completely okay. You shouldn’t burden yourself with frustration about the future.
While most people are allosexual, meaning they frequently experience sexual attraction, that doesn’t mean you need to conform to their expectations. Conversations about what you want in a relationship matter. It’s also wise to explore your thoughts on nonmonogamy—what aspects feel uncomfortable? Taking the time to understand your feelings about romance, without needing immediate answers, can be very beneficial.
—J.S.
