Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column.
Dear Prudence,
I’m really concerned about my ex’s parenting style with our daughter. She’s almost 9 and seems overly dependent. She can’t swim, sleep on her own, ride a bike, or even pour her own cereal. Her mom insists that she needs to do everything for her now, claiming that our daughter will magically figure it all out later. She used to be so outgoing—now, it feels like she’s afraid of everything and has frequent meltdowns when anything pushes her boundaries. When I try to encourage her, it often feels like we take one step forward and three steps back.
I’ve enrolled her in swimming lessons, but my ex refuses to take her when it’s her turn. Recently, after my ex lost her remote job and needed to go to the office, I got our daughter into a local day camp. But things have already become problematic. On my days with her, she can be nervous but ultimately enjoys the camp and makes friends. On her mom’s days, she has drastic meltdowns and has to come home early. My ex thinks this is evidence that the camp is too stressful for our daughter, suggesting that she should simply stay home with her since she’s now working remotely. My wife, who is pregnant and works on contract, is firm that she won’t take over parenting responsibilities when I’m not around. Honestly, I feel trapped in the middle. What can I do?
—Afraid
Dear Afraid,
Let’s take a moment to look at this from a different angle. You’ve chosen not to pursue full custody, which means you must believe your daughter is safe and cared for at your ex’s place. Sure, she’s being overprotected, but she’s not being harmed. It sounds like she might not be as independent as her peers, which is a concern. But she’s not in a situation where she’ll be thrown into the deep end any time soon—figuratively, that is. What makes you anxious about the way she’s currently being raised? Is that worry based on rational grounds?
I think it’s also worth considering that her behavioral changes might stem from her parents’ separation and not solely her mother’s approach. If I were her—a sensitive kid navigating through a tough period—I would need acceptance, patience, and support from my dad, rather than feeling I was being judged for my upbringing.
So when she’s with you, regardless of how often that might be, try to avoid showing concern about her struggles or implying that her mom is doing anything wrong. Instead, encourage her to take small steps toward independence in a supportive manner. Set up little tasks for her to complete on her own, and celebrate her successes. Create an inviting space in your home for her, encouraging her to feel excited about sleeping there. It’s important to reassure her that you think she’s very capable and smart. If you have concerns about her being behind on skills like biking, maybe keep those thoughts to yourself.
Dear Prudence,
Lipedema affects many women in my family, and it’s painful and often limits movement. Doctors have suggested that keeping a low BMI is key to avoiding it. So, I’m careful with my diet and exercise, maintaining a BMI of 19. I was even cautious during my pregnancy, as hormonal changes can trigger it, and so far, I’ve been lucky.
I have a blended family: I’m the primary caregiver for my 10-year-old stepdaughter, Katherine, and we also have a daughter together, 6-year-old Delilah. I strive to treat both girls equally and want to instill in them healthy habits. However, as Katherine approaches puberty, I honestly feel lost on how to navigate the conversations about food and body image. I discuss healthy eating with both girls, emphasizing that treats are part of life, while my husband sets a good example through his own actions. With Katherine, I focus on boosting her confidence about her body, reminding her that changes are normal, even if they can be scary.
Yet, I’m unsure how to approach similar discussions with Delilah when her time comes. Encouraging Delilah to be cautious with her weight feels daunting—what if that leads to her having a complicated relationship with food? My husband thinks ignoring the issue is best, but I feel lost seeking guidance. Lipedema isn’t well-researched, and when I asked our pediatrician for advice, she dismissed it as just another form of obesity. Watching my mother and sister struggle with it has made me acutely aware of this condition, and I definitely don’t want my children to face that pain. Where can I turn for reliable advice?
—Stressed Mama
Dear Stressed Mama,
If only managing a low BMI were as simple as “Just be careful with your weight!” If life were that uncomplicated, there wouldn’t be such an overwhelming diet culture out there. I wonder whether cautionary advice alone would result in your daughter actually keeping her BMI in check. More importantly, placing a burden of restriction on Delilah could backfire, leading to unhealthy behaviors or shame. It’s crucial to find a balance between promoting healthy habits and letting them develop a positive relationship with food. Kids learn more from actions than words, so leading by example will be more effective than constant reminders about healthy eating.
It’s commendable that you’re trying to impart healthy habits to both girls. Maybe you could lessen the pressure by not reiterating “Treats are fine! Feel good about your changing body!” Kids notice your actions far more than repetitive affirmations. You don’t need to follow a strict diet to be a good role model. By demonstrating that there are interesting things in life beyond just food, you will create a more balanced understanding of healthy living.
In addition, you could teach Delilah about finding a doctor she trusts and advocate for her own health. There are forums and associations dedicated to lipedema where you could tap into resources together. Framing it as a journey of knowledge to ensure she gets the best care would be more beneficial than simply telling her to watch her weight.
It might also be helpful to share your concerns with Delilah in a heartfelt way. Explaining your own anxieties about managing her health might encourage open dialogue. You’ll want both of your daughters to have a healthy perspective on food and body image while being aware of medical conditions. This way, they can navigate these topics with honesty and understanding.
Prudie Wants to Hear From You!
Readers often provide valuable input for our letter writers, sometimes disagreeing with Prudie’s advice or simply wanting to share their insights. Each week, Prudie will respond to some of these comments and suggestions, which will be posted on Fridays for members.
Dear Prudence,
My daughter Mandy is stuck in a toxic relationship. Not long ago, she came to me in tears because her partner spent almost $1,000 on adult entertainment, leaving them struggling to buy groceries and essentials for their baby. Instead of giving her cash, I delivered supplies to ensure it wouldn’t be wasted again. This isn’t the first time she’s come to me feeling desperate over financial issues caused by him. She has two young children with him, both under four. I’ve tried to persuade her to leave him before, but she hasn’t been open to that. I think this incident may finally be a wake-up call. My spouse and I are willing to let her and the kids stay with us if she decides to leave him. Should I offer this support to help her make a fresh start?
—Time to Leave Him in the Gutter
Dear Leave Him in the Gutter,
Absolutely! Just make sure to add something like “No pressure” and “We can always revisit this, but we care about you and the option is there whenever you need it.”
The trickier part will be agreeing with your wife on the boundaries if your daughter chooses to reconnect with him while staying under your roof.
Classic Prudie
When I was 15, my life fell apart. My dad had been in a long-term affair with my coach, using my engagement in sports to hide it. The fallout was devastating for my mom and left me feeling unworthy. It’s a long story.
