How to Do It is an advice column focusing on intimacy and relationships.Got a question? Reach out anonymously here.
Dear How to Do It,
My boyfriend has expressed a desire to explore pegging. I’m usually open to new things, but this particular idea makes me uncomfortable. I just can’t get on board with it. He seems to struggle with my firm refusal because I haven’t rejected other requests before. How can I make it clear that this isn’t going to happen?
—GGG Until Now
Dear Until Now,
When we first say “no” to someone, we often get a clear picture of how they handle boundaries. This situation is revealing something important about your boyfriend. Is he able to understand and respect your “No”? Or does he keep pushing to change your mind? Engaging in activities you’ve firmly said are off-limits crosses a line into disrespect.
Ultimately, whether his interest stems from a genuine fetish or just his self-centeredness, you might need to accept that he’s struggling to understand your boundaries. At this juncture, it’s essential to assess your relationship. Think about what you gain from being with him and how critical those dynamics are. Consider if his stubbornness has shown up before in your relationship, whether with boundaries or personal preferences. It might be worth issuing a clear ultimatum: something like, “I’ve stated this is a hard limit multiple times, and if you continue to pursue it, I will reassess our relationship.”
Dear How to Do It,
I’m a 36-year-old man, and my wife, who is 33, and I recently got married. It was a great decision for me; she truly makes my life brighter. Before our wedding, she had some concerns about her body image, which intensified as we approached the big day. While she looked fantastic, the anxiety around it was palpable. After we tied the knot, she stopped tracking calories for the first time since I met her, and she’s gained about 30 to 40 pounds. Surprisingly, I’ve loved seeing this transformation.
Sharing meals, enjoying desserts, and indulging in a drink together has made our time together more lively. Honestly, she seems happier and more relaxed. While she still eats healthily and exercises, she no longer approaches it with such intensity. She’s the same woman I fell in love with but feels lighter and more authentic.
However, she frequently refers to her weight as a temporary issue, worrying about it despite my compliments. Whenever I try to discuss her improved mood, she quickly shifts the focus to her body insecurities. I genuinely want to support her in her choices, but I also want her to see how much happier and relaxed she is now compared to before. How should I bring this up with her?
—Loving Her Any Way She Is
Dear Loving Her Any Way She Is,
It sounds like you’ve been supportive of your wife’s body and mood, but she may interpret your comments differently. Instead of comparing her current state to the past, you might want to focus directly on how you appreciate her present happiness. Be clear and straightforward about the joy you see in her demeanor and avoid anything that could feel critical.
It’s common for those who struggle with body image to respond to compliments with self-criticism. So, it might be wise to step back from those physical compliments for a bit. Even if your intentions are good, she might perceive any reference to improvement over time as a dig about what she feels she needs to change.
You’re right that her self-image is ultimately her responsibility. While we can’t project happiness or self-acceptance onto others, showing genuine curiosity about her feelings around her body might help. Ask her about what brings her happiness, what “relaxed” means to her, and how she values that. Understanding her perspective might open doors to support her in ways that may not be tied to her appearance.
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Dear How to Do It,
My husband and I are part of a social group that engages in weekend orgies. Recently, one of the women asked to bring her new boyfriend, but we insisted on STI screenings first. She took offense, arguing we were implying her partner wasn’t “clean.” I explained it was just a precaution. Is this request unreasonable?
—Prudent
Dear Prudent,
Requesting STI screenings before introducing a new partner is a reasonable expectation.
If Ron and Bailey are sexually active, it might help to check in with her about her strong reaction. Understanding her feelings could be essential in easing any tensions. Moreover, it’s vital to know Ron’s STI status for the safety of the group.
If any group language suggested “clean,” an apology might open up discussions. But if not, consider seeking a private chat with Bailey to clarify things.
—Jessica
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