Las Vegas is home to thousands of beautiful people, not just Mark Davis. Beautiful people love to party, so this year is shaping up to be the wildest Super Bowl week ever. Here’s a helpful preview of what’s going on.
Monday — Things start off with the totally incongruous title “Super Bowl Opening Night Fueled by Gatorade.” This is a chance for the media to interview both teams. Players will be competing against hundreds of reporters and cameramen. Now the average player can experience what Travis Kelce feels like when he goes out drinking a gallon of milk.
Many NFL coaches and staff members will also be in attendance, making it an ideal networking opportunity for those seeking entry-level work. Expect a bunch of freshmen and Bill Belichick to come in waving their resumes.
Tuesday — Today is the perfect day to visit SkyJump, a popular Las Vegas destination for daredevils. He jumps from his 108th floor of the Strato Hotel, tethered to a cord for safety. Considering the hiring of Dan Quinn, Washington Commanders fans can just take a few turns on this and start mentally preparing themselves if they lose the lead at a critical moment.
Wednesday — The Super Bowl Experience opens at Mandalay Bay South Convention Center. Here you can see the Vince Lombardi Trophy and a collection of all 57 Super Bowl rings. Hmm, Las Vegas and precious gems? Sounds like the perfect plot for Ocean’s 14, or even Ocean’s XIV.
This experience allows football fans to compete against LED star players in the 40-yard dash. Las Vegas has his O/U of massive coronary arteries set at 17.5.
You can also take a photo with the Vince Lombardi Trophy. This represents Kyle Shanahan’s best chance to win the Lombardi Trophy.
thursday night — Playmakers Party will be held at AZILO Pool & Lounge. Invited guests include Terrell Owens and Jay Cutler. For fun, stand behind Owens and Cutler and ask out loud, “Was it too expensive to invite a player who actually won a Super Bowl?”
Friday — The Venetian will host the NFL Wives Fashion Show. This is your chance to give a woman an innocent smile and then get your ass kicked by a Ravens defensive lineman.
Music fans know The Sphere as the newest Las Vegas must-see. On Friday night, U2 continues their show. The sphere is a massive 875,000 square feet, the size needed to contain Bono’s ego.
saturday afternoon — Gronk Beach. Famous dumb Rob Gronkowski hosts a party at his Encore Beach club. Gronk Beach is perfect for those who wanted Baywatch to be a little less cerebral.
Some of you may be thinking, “Beach?!” Las Vegas is a desert. There is no ocean for 250 miles. ” Hey, Gronk didn’t do very well in geography.
saturday afternoon — The Taste of NFL event will be held at 3 p.m. Organizers describe it as “the largest culinary philanthropy event to take place over Super Bowl weekend.” It’s truly amazing when you stop and think about all of the thousands of culinary charity events that take place over Super Bowl weekend. So, is this the biggest one? can’t believe it.
saturday night — Sports Illustrated Party will be held at XS Nightclub. Musical acts include BeBe Lexus and The Chainsmokers. Is Sports Illustrated hosting a party? Hopefully the performers are paid upfront.
late saturday night — On the eve of Super Bowl XXXIII, Falcons safety Eugene Robinson was arrested for soliciting sex from an undercover police officer. The next day, a shaken Robinson allowed an 80-yard TD and the Falcons lost. Well, few towns have as large a population of sex workers as Las Vegas (where sex work is legal).
So, who will decide this year’s Super Bowl? Will it be Destiny cruising the slots at Harrah’s? Or maybe Marge, the cunning veterinarian who has been trolling the Golden Nugget for years?
Of course, we don’t want trouble. But if a player has to do something as outrageous as benching, let me just say, as a Chiefs fan, I hope it’s Kadarius Toney.
