Gerrymandered Districts and Massage Parlor Investigations

In my small hometown of Columbia, Tennessee, there’s this newly redrawn Tennessee 5th Congressional District. The political race between the local Democratic Mayor, Chaz Molder, and Republican former Agriculture Commissioner Charlie Hatcher has drawn some unwelcome scrutiny due to a police investigation involving an Asian massage parlor.

This particular establishment, known as the “Red Fruit Spa,” carries a rather amusing name — let’s just say it reflects the symptoms some men might experience a couple of days post-visit.

A trust-funded Democrat and, to a lesser extent, a former religious-right Republican staffer were mixed up in this situation, along with quite a few government agencies. As a libertarian, I find it all to be a quintessential “happy ending.”

Now, don’t get me wrong — if any underage trafficking were involved, I’d say the law should come down heavily. But in this case, the two individuals arrested were 46 and 58 years old. They had clearly moved past their years of factory work in China, and it seems unlikely they were forced into labor.

The Columbia Police, collaborating with both state and federal authorities, executed search warrants for the massage parlor located in a strip mall. Yes, there were indeed multiple warrants and agencies involved.

With all the crimes like murders and robberies being dealt with in a state like Tennessee, which hosts both Memphis and Nashville, it’s amusing to think that this “multi-agency task force” spent months planning what I would call a rather bizarre operation. It’s almost like the left hand didn’t know what the right hand was doing.

Honestly, I kind of prefer to see real cases — something like a murder mystery, when so many agencies get involved. I mean, who could forget the infamous headline, “Headless Woman Found in Topless Bar?” That’s the kind of sensational happenstance that really draws attention.

Tennessee has had its share of, let’s say, massage controversies. For instance, there’s Deshaun Watson, who misinterpreted legitimate therapeutic massages for something else and ended up getting an 11-game suspension. The irony? He had to serve that time in — you guessed it — Cleveland.

Then there’s Al Gore, who managed to win an Oscar for a documentary that some claim was about nothing much. Allegations of his inappropriate behavior during massages also surfaced, but Hollywood remained supportive, even nominating him for a Best Animated Short.

It’s a shame about the many legitimate massage businesses that could suffer from this incident. A massage isn’t inherently a sexual act, but it can certainly pave the way for complications. This whole situation might intimidate the mostly honest establishments out there, which are meant to be places of relaxation and relief.

Massage parlors—their employment is quite varied. They’re often looking for people with various skills, and, well, these days, with inflation and other economic pressures, it seems they can only offer “medium time” instead of the full experience.

A friend of mine used to sell carpeting. Straightforward job, really: most carpet is beige, all you have to remember is the furry side goes up. He had extra time on his hands, and he was fond of visiting these parlors. Someone even suggested he write a guide for them. There’s a bit of humor; go in expecting one thing, and they might hand you something completely different! However, he always had certain red flags to avoid, like if the place was open late and nestled among payday lenders and vape shops.

You’ve likely heard of Robert Kraft, the New England Patriots owner, who got himself into a sticky situation over an $80 massage. There he was — handcuffed in an Asian massage parlor, utterly humiliated. Then of course, the police swooped in.

Kraft is 85 now. Who knows, maybe he was just hoping for a little nap-time companionship. It’s got to be pretty bewildering for a man of his age — many of his peers probably haven’t had experiences like that. And considering his six Super Bowl rings, you’d think he could manage to find companionship more easily.

More recently, the owner of the San Francisco 49ers was caught in a situation at a trailer park, paying $140 for sex. This kind of reality has made me rethink everything; I used to believe billionaires had escorts on speed dial. Clearly, that’s not the case anymore.

Both Kraft and the 49ers’ owner have racehorses and are frequent attendees at the Kentucky Derby. Perhaps these experiences could rival the excitement of the “Fastest Two Minutes in Sports.”

As Democratic candidate Molder runs his campaign ads come November, he might want to tackle this issue head-on with a pious approach. Perhaps a cheeky tagline like, “My name is Chaz Molder, and I approve the massage,” would lighten the mood.