At the end of our eighth grade basketball season, the parents of our team came together to make huge bouquets of purple and gold flowers, the colors of the high school we’d be attending the following season. Some of the top high school coaches who had watched us grow up on local development teams were in attendance. There was applause, balloons flying, and an entire gym full of family and supporters from the local community watching us graduate from the Badgers to the Bullfrogs (don’t ask).
As a three-sport letterman, I was used to having small steps and accomplishments growing up officially recognized by my community, and I suspect many women are raised in a similar way to seek and follow public support at every milestone. Nothing accomplished Unless you have a clapping gym on hand to check it out.
Neither my husband nor I recognized separate “callings” regarding work and home life. Our callings were in our marriage, providing for ourselves and our children, and the life we had carefully built for our family as part of a church community.
The online controversy over Harrison Butker’s graduation speech reminded us of the painful transitions that ponies from all kinds of kids’ shows go through when they become adults. How on earth do you decide which path to take when there are no more rallies or balloons to tell you that your next move is endorsed by adoring fans? And worse, how can young people avoid Rotten Tomatoes and move forward with confidence when every choice is accompanied by far more boos and scrapes than applause?
The applause always ends. You have to grow up to be an adult who can make decisions when no one else is applauding. The Butker controversy boils down to a public debate about the level of applause that a housewife deserves. One side believes that more public respect should be given to women who choose to stay at home and take care of their families. The other side, more or less, doesn’t think so.
When I got married at 24, there was no way I could please everyone. My family was mostly secular. My grandmother worked at UC Berkeley, my mother was a career woman with advanced degrees, and I had completed all the courses for my PhD. My husband’s parents were Catholic, we married at 19 straight out of high school, and his mother was raising six wonderful children. If I chose to stay home with the kids, I would be a disappointment to my family, to say the least. If I chose to work, it would be a scandal for my in-laws. Either way, I would never get balloons or bouquets.
It’s been almost 20 years since I faced this decision, but last month’s mommy wars-turned-Batker controversy has brought this old-fashioned There’s no way to win Emotions. Women really woman If a man works outside the home and his wife does the housework, are they really getting the proper support? Other Paid BenefitsWomen are emotionally and financially Too dependent What responsibilities does a husband have if his wife chooses to stay at home?
Which path did I end up choosing? Both paths. All paths. “My calling” was what my husband and I determined was best for our family at the time, and we didn’t wait for anyone’s opinion or consult with bystanders. One of the best things about the Christian faith is that the “rules” are pretty clear: don’t commit mortal sin, don’t get on the path of sin (we call it “coming close to sin” in Catholicism), continue your prayer life, and don’t be too stubborn to change course if necessary. Other than that, what are you going to do MeaningfulDon’t worry about who’s clapping and who’s booing.
Married for 18 years, my “calling” has included long days at home with three children under the age of three, long days working a full-time job to earn money, and long days juggling part-time motherhood and work while homeschooling five children.
My husband do not have My husband prioritized his career over me, our children and our home life. both My husband prioritized his home life and children, which meant he turned down multiple job offers and career opportunities because it would have required too much travel or would have required him to move his family to a new state away from our community. He built a client base, lost it during COVID, changed industries, started a new business at age 40, and pivoted again to build an even better client base closer to home that didn’t require overnight travel.
I have worked in academia, think tanks, local real estate, the Catholic Diocese, and publishing – part-time, full-time, 1099, volunteer, etc. My husband and I started a homeschool co-op with a local school and have worked hard to grow our local community from a few dedicated homeschool families to dozens.
Neither my husband nor I have recognized separate “callings” for work and home life. Our callings are our marriage, providing for ourselves and our children, and the life we have carefully built for our family as members of the church. Work, income, and careers are all secondary and take precedence over our shared calling. My career took precedence while I was getting my PhD, and my husband’s career took precedence while I had our children and raised them. Our goal is that when our children are grown, we will both work a little, have a paid-off home and ranch, and have saved enough money so neither of us will have to work full time.
They are great Divine Drama Young people, trying to find their life in society, naturally want to make the “right” decision from the get-go, and they think that this opinion poll will save them a lesson the hard way if they can get those around them to rate by a show of hands where they stand on the working mother vs. stay-at-home mother debate.
But of course, it’s important to practice practical wisdom – prudence. What Butker’s online conversation fails to tell young people is that decisions about work and family don’t have to be left to the local cheerleaders. The best thing about marriage is that it’s just the two of you. You don’t have to consult with anyone. You don’t even have to pick a side in this silly debate. The online work-life debate thrives again with each new generation because they’re really just young, inexperienced people trying to figure out what life really means. A perfect theory, There is no perfect philosophy of life that can help you avoid the obstacles of growing up.
It is nearly impossible to know before we begin life what demands our work and home life will place on us. We learn from our mistakes and redirections as we gain experience. There are no shortcuts to gaining practical knowledge; it cannot be packaged in advance or crowdsourced away. Virtue is action, not head knowledge.
There is only one philosophy of life worth dedicating yourself to. Pursue sainthood. That’s it. That’s the magic lifestyle hack. It can take a million forms. St. Joan of Arc gave her life to God in battle. St. Edith Stein in the barracks at Auschwitz. St. Zellige Martin in all the little moments of his family life. What they all had in common was that they accepted the cross that was given to them and discerned for themselves the path they had to follow. Life is different for each of us and it is Our special situationNo one knows the details of your life better than you and your spouse, and happiness and virtue are discovered through your unique shared mission. You twoLet the game begin. Let’s get started.
