Men, please riddle me this. Since when did you guys become so perverted and brazen during dates? seriously.
I made this discovery last Thursday night after I foolishly met up with my ex-boyfriend, who has always had a bit of a red flag to me. (God, I have bad taste!)
We had tried to work things out in the past, but he had just gotten divorced and was firmly in a stage of sadness, anger, and bitterness. Anyone who has dated a man after marriage is familiar with this stage. Suddenly we become their sounding board, their therapist, their punching bag while they unravel the trauma of their ex-boyfriend.
One weekend, after hours of saying, “Why do you think she left me?” I had had enough of the chit chat. What was supposed to be a romantic getaway turned into a therapy marathon. Instead of getting naked and making a fuss, we were analyzing his marriage.
By the end, I felt like I knew his ex-wife better than some of her friends.
Spoiler alert: That wasn't my intention.
Let's go back to last week. He texted me out of the blue and said he was in town for work and was staying in a penthouse at a luxury hotel.
Now, in the spirit of admitting my mistakes, I'll admit that this happened to me. I had a few martinis with some friends and thought to myself: Yes, please! ”
So I called a taxi and headed there.
We met for drinks and then went upstairs to “name” his luxurious accommodation. So far, so good.
But then there were twists and turns. As I was lying on his chest, enjoying some nice post-coital chit-chat, he got a call from another woman.
She said cheerfully, “If you want, you're free now.''
And just like that, he invited her to his house. There was no warning to me and no consent from her. It was just pure boldness.
“What the hell?” I said. (Well, it was more colorful than that.)
He replied with a grin. I thought it would be fun for the three of us! ”
Another spoiler alert: I wasn't participating. I don't think she was either.
Honestly, if this is something you've done before, you'll probably understand. But we weren't.
Our past consisted of very bland, missionary-based encounters. snore.
So I did what any self-respecting woman would do. I jumped out of bed and ran out, yelling a series of curse words.
Two days later, he called me. Still annoyed, I hung up and sent a text that said, “No.”
His reply? “Can we chat? I think there was a misunderstanding.”
Don't get me wrong, buddy.
I thought I could sneak in a threesome, but shock, horror, I didn't take my clothes off in anticipation. What annoyed me the most was that he didn't reveal his bold plans until we took action.
So we decided it was time to set some boundaries. My parting shot? “Every time I interact with you, you have a weird way of making me feel worthless. And it’s not my job to make you feel good about that. Go jog, d–k .”
He replied, “If you want, you can talk bad about me on the phone, but I just want to chat.”
Dear reader, I blocked and deleted him. Enough was enough.
The next night, while having dinner with my girlfriends, I told them about the surprise threesome attempt. To my surprise, they had similar stories.
Apparently, this “trend” is more common than I thought.
One friend recalled going on a date with a man who invited her to his farm for a weekend getaway. She arrived to find his best friend and thought, “Well, the more the merrier.”
After dinner, her man suggested a soak in the hot tub. Okay, she thought, but then her best friend started rubbing her feet and her man started massaging her feet. At that moment, she was shocked. They had been planning this all along.
She made an excuse and left the next morning.
Another friend told me a story about a nightclub encounter that didn't go well. During their walk, the man casually suggested they break up. And how about bringing her best friend over for a “sleepover”? Elegant.
It got me thinking: Are men watching so much porn that they mistake that scenario for real life?
Let's be honest: Porn has a way of presenting something like a surprise threesome as the default setting for an effortless, spontaneous, and obviously fun night. But it's important to remember that the real world is not a labeled browser tab. “Hot MILF surprises babysitter.”
In real life, threesomes aren't just a casual “hey, why don't you try it?” for a moment. It's a conversation. It's a good discussion where everyone agrees, sets boundaries, and agrees equally.
It's not an ambush, it's planned.
In porn, when the pizzeria shows up, it might seem like everyone instantly goes down and boom. But news flash, folks: the rest of us didn't get that memo.
For most women, jumping from a hug to a trois man without any attention is not sexy. It's awkward, arrogant, and bordering on insulting.
Will you end up having a threesome at some stage in your life? probably.
But I'm not like the guy who never bothers to ask and thinks I'm just a prop in his fantasy.
So here's some advice. When it comes to threesomes and sexual escapades, planning is sexy. Clear communication is sexy. Respect is sexy.
A surprise ambush? There aren't that many.
