Sarcastic Reflections on Santa
Shopping alert: Get your gifts before prices drop!
A friend once said, “I’m not sure what gift I’ll get, but I know what I’ll trade it for.”
Now, just picture the Christmas story in today’s world. Those wise men? They’d probably have cashed out of the stock market by now.
Santa doesn’t seem so special anymore. I mean, red suit, boots, a beard, messy hair, and a bag over the shoulder? And how many teenagers look like that now? Plus, have you seen the chimneys on new houses? They’re way too narrow. Let’s not even mention the old guy’s belly—he might need some help from Ozempic.
When a 6-year-old was asked what he wanted for Christmas, his response was simple: “Nothing. I’ll just use my credit card.”
Even in Russia, you can find Santas in stores, but there, when you sit on Santa’s lap, he tells you what you’re getting.
Defining holiday joy? How about gift certificates at a craps table in Atlantic City?
There was this one day when a frugal guy took his wife to the mall. In a rush, he left his child behind, letting someone else handle the stroller. Just as they were about to leave, his wife shouted, “That’s not our baby!” To which he replied, “Shut up. This stroller is way better.”
Frugal? He’s probably waiting for a paperback version of the Bible to come out.
It seems like New York businesspeople can’t catch a break. If they misstep, there’s a fine. If they do right, they owe taxes.
Plenty of New Yorkers have money to spend. Why? Well, it might be cheaper than gas these days.
There’s this manufacturer who never takes a day off, even on weekends. His doctor asked, “Why work so hard for money?” The man replied, “I just want to see if my wife can get by without me.”
Wealthy? He’s got a bank employee who’s having an affair with him. His wallet? It’s practically a carry-on. And his dog? It’s dressed in mink.
When it comes to holiday shopping in New York City, just forget about the traffic. Forget about getting stuck in endless lines. There’s a sign on Fifth Avenue that reads, “No Stopping, No Standing, No Parking, No Picking Up, No Exiting, No Joking.”
New York City is bustling, always lively. And thanks to our district attorneys, much of it remains unsolved.
What Santa Does All Year
Here’s a thought: What does Santa do when it’s not Christmas?
Honestly, who really cares? Candace Bushnell once shared a moment when she gave a rather dull interview to an Englishman. In a self-deprecating mood, she made a half-hearted joke about only bathing once a month. He chuckled, but then, well—it felt like he couldn’t get away fast enough, complaining about the draft. For clarity, she bathes every day and felt pretty embarrassed at the time.
A Look Back
Digging into past predictions, I found some from psychics in 2000. The New Yorker’s Maria Papapetros claimed, “The stock market surged in early April as male contraceptives, juvenile diabetes treatments, and enzyme therapy for HIV became available.” Psychic Paula Roberts warned about spring health reforms, San Antonio floods, famine from Turkey’s civil war, a power outage at the Empire State Building, and averted transit strikes in New York City.
Keep an eye out for forthcoming holiday crime statistics from the FBI. It seems crime rates are matching what we see in movies and TV for the first time.
Well, everyone, Christmas is almost here.
