Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column.Submit questions here.
Dear Prudence,
I’ve been dating my boyfriend for about eight months now. He seems really kind and caring, but I have started to doubt our relationship after a frightening event. We don’t live together, but I spend a lot of nights at his apartment.
Recently, there was an incident where a man, who had just shot someone, broke into my boyfriend’s apartment while fleeing from the police. It was early in the morning, and my boyfriend was awake having coffee while I was asleep. When he heard the noise and realized someone was breaking in, he immediately left through the front door. He didn’t try to wake me, or even give me a heads-up; he just left. I ended up trapped with an armed intruder in the apartment while police surrounded the building. I locked myself in the bathroom until the police caught him and freed me.
It wasn’t until later that I pieced together what had happened. My boyfriend offered several excuses—he said his instinct took over, that he attempted to re-enter, but the police stopped him, among other things. But the fact remains, his instinct was to abandon me. I feel devastated and want to end this relationship, but I’m also considering if I’m being too harsh. After all, how often do we find ourselves in those kinds of situations? He might have acted out of fear. Is this a major warning sign? Should I break up with him?
—Left for Dead
Dear Left for Dead,
Yes, this is definitely a huge warning sign. Yes, you should leave. If you’re unsure, try asking some friends what they think, or even gather opinions online. You could say, “During an attempted break-in, my boyfriend ran away and didn’t wake me. What’s your take on that?” Document their responses and refer back to them if your doubts resurface.
You don’t actually need validation from anyone—including me—to justify your negative feelings about his actions during a horrifying event. Remember, you’re not required to present a case to anyone about whether this counts as a relationship-ending event. There’s no one who will hand down a verdict about your feelings. You have every right to end things if that’s what you want. “I just don’t feel the same anymore” is a perfectly acceptable rationale—whether it’s because of a person’s chewing habits, the way their pillowcases smell, or simply the realization that they left you in such a vulnerable situation.
If a relationship no longer brings you the happiness you seek, you are free to walk away without guilt. Even if your reasons seem trivial (and to be clear, what you described here is not trivial), your partner deserves to be with someone who appreciates them. Perhaps someone else might think, “He prioritized himself to avoid waking me during a crisis, which is thoughtful,” but that person isn’t you.
—
Dear Prudence,
I’m very allergic to dogs—yes, even your cute one. I’ve even consulted an allergist because dog allergies are everywhere. At my workplace, I once had to switch to a different floor due to a co-worker’s service dog. It was an emotional and politically charged situation. I typically use an air purifier and take antihistamines for my seasonal allergies. Until now, I’ve rented in a pet-free building, which was great for me.
However, recently I’ve noticed a significant increase in allergy symptoms at home. I didn’t understand why I suddenly felt so miserable until I discovered my neighbors adopted a large dog. Their daughter, facing challenges, left her dog with them. I feel for them and for “Fluffy”—he’s quiet and polite. But even the presence of one dog creates issues for me. How can I kindly yet firmly ask them to find another home for Fluffy? Or should I just inform the landlord? I recognize they didn’t choose this situation, but neither did I.
—Allergic But Not Heartless
Dear Allergic But Not Heartless,
I commend your desire to communicate with your neighbors directly. In an ideal world, where your allergies weren’t so severe, they might accommodate you with an air purifier or other solutions. But that’s not your reality.
However, you had to seek emergency care. That’s serious! While I’m sympathetic to your neighbors’ situation, following the building’s no-pet policy doesn’t mean they can’t find a solution for their daughter or her dog—it just means they need to make alternative arrangements. Your health is more important than being considerate to your neighbors. You should definitely inform the landlord.
Prudie Wants to Hear From You!
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Dear Prudence,
My sister forgets every birthday. I love giving gifts (maybe even more than I should!). She has much less disposable income than I do. I don’t believe this explains her forgetfulness since she has sent thoughtful gifts from her children on occasion.
Is it alright for me to continue sending her and her children gifts? I love doing it, but I’m worried that it might come off as flashy. We live in different countries, so this is my chance to send things they wouldn’t normally receive. I do want to avoid making her feel bad for not reciprocating. Gifts have been well received, but I want to prevent any hard feelings.
—To Give or Not to Give
Dear To Give or Not to Give,
You seem to be considering how you might feel if you were forgetting gifts, but remember—you have a different mindset than your sister. She may be scatterbrained or simply overwhelmed, which means she often misses occasions and likely doesn’t keep track of gift exchanges.
I admire that she gives meaningful gifts when possible and that she appreciates your thoughtful gestures. I think your current arrangement is fine. Go ahead and send another package.
Classic Prudie
My new wife, “Brenda,” and I are on our honeymoon, but she’s sharing her bed with someone else. I know it sounds crazy, but should I be worried? Her friendship with “Sadie” is very close, and they used to spend nights together.
