Dear Abby: My boyfriend, Adam, and I have been together for four years. We care deeply for one another and generally agree on many things. For instance, we believe that a marriage license is merely a piece of paper, and we feel our bond is as strong as a marriage already.
We’ve also considered the future regarding children but ultimately decided we don’t want any. Personally, I’ve never felt the urge to be a mother, though others say I would be good at it. Adam feels the same way; he’s mentioned not wanting kids too. We really value our freedom—at least I do—and, honestly, our finances too, which allows us to travel frequently.
Recently, as my birth control options have become limited, I’ve thought about getting my fallopian tubes tied. Adam initially hesitated about me undergoing surgery and offered to have a vasectomy instead. However, he revealed this week that he hasn’t gone through with it yet because he’s scared and may still have a desire for children.
He’s been uncertain about wanting kids for the past couple of years, but I’ve been quite clear that I don’t want any. Should he think about having children if that’s what he really wants? I love him and see us growing old together, but I don’t want to hurt him. — confused in California
For those puzzled: Parenting is a profound commitment that should stem from a genuine desire to have children, not just to satisfy a partner. Being a mother is a lifelong duty that doesn’t vanish once your child becomes an adult. Make these significant life choices based on your own desires, not on anyone else’s expectations. If something were to happen to Adam, you’d find yourself raising that child alone.
There are various options besides birth control pills that you might explore with your doctor. Unless you’re entirely certain about wanting children, consider using contraception diligently.
Regarding the marriage license being “just a piece of paper,” it’s worth recognizing that it provides important legal rights. It allows spouses to make medical decisions for each other if one becomes incapacitated and ensures inheritance rights. While I understand that common-law marriage exists, having a marriage certificate offers more security. Trust me on this.
Dear Abby: My grandson, who is morbidly obese and weighs over 300 pounds, will be joining us for dinner with his family, and we’re struggling to find a suitable chair for him. We’re concerned he might feel embarrassed. What should we do? — California Hostess
Dear Hostess: I’ll do my best to help. You could look online or contact a rental company that specializes in furniture or catering to see if they offer chairs that would work for your grandson. If renting isn’t an option, perhaps you could buy something sturdy from a thrift store that could be used for family gatherings.
