DEAR ABBY: I’m feeling overwhelmed with my husband “Barney,” whom I’ve been married to for 35 years. He retired two years ago, while I continue to work and probably will for several more years. I’ve been successfully working from home long before the pandemic, which was manageable while Barney was still employed. After his retirement, I asked him to respect my work boundaries during the day. I have my office upstairs, so he has the whole downstairs to enjoy without interrupting me.
Sadly, Barney hasn’t respected my request. He often calls for me from downstairs or pops into my office wanting to chat. He asks about dinner plans and gets annoyed if I’m not finished with work by 5 p.m. He also gets upset when I don’t want to be close to him physically while I’m trying to focus. When he was working, he often stayed late and went in on weekends without me ever expressing any disrespect towards him.
At times, I tried to give Barney more attention because I do love him, but his continuous complaints have become so irritating that I find myself not wanting to spend my free time with him. I’m definitely not in the mood for any physical affection. I’ve even tried bringing up the possibility of couples therapy with him, but he’s not interested.
I consider myself a happy person, except when I’m around my husband. That’s disappointing, and I’m exhausted from feeling this way. I’ve thought about renting an office space, but I wonder if that would only address the issue of interruptions during work. The deeper problem seems to be Barney’s lack of respect for me. — GIVE ME SPACE
DEAR GIVE ME SPACE: A partial solution still counts as progress. Renting that office could really help you see how much the disruption impacts your work. Once you’re away from those frustrations, take a moment to reassess how Barney treats you and decide if more changes are needed in your relationship. Even if he refuses to go to counseling, consider going on your own! You might pick up some strategies for managing his challenging behaviors.
DEAR ABBY: My niece, who is 40, has been living in my sister’s basement for the past five years. She’s gone through a lot since running away at 15 but managed to earn an engineering degree and even learned to fly helicopters. She’s clearly intelligent, but I’m puzzled by her withdrawal from life.
When I call, should I ask my sister or brother-in-law about how she’s doing? I feel like it’s a normal question, but it always seems to meet with an awkward silence, followed by them saying, “She’s figuring out her life.” She doesn’t work or even look for work, avoids social situations, and acts much younger than her age. Should I just stop asking? — UNCLE IN THE DARK
DEAR UNCLE: If you stop asking about your niece, it may come across as though you don’t care. Next time you talk to your relatives, if your inquiry leads to an uncomfortable silence, consider asking them directly if they’d prefer you not to bring it up.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren. For nearly four decades, Jeanne Phillips ran the column, which was established in 1956 by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at http://www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 270135, Kansas City, MO 64127.
