In a world where we can filter potential relationships based on a set of characteristics, it’s no wonder we become deeply obsessed with finding the perfect partner.
Are you already in a relationship? You’re no exception. People in relationships are also guilty of getting overly attached to their current partner and deciding whether they’re good enough.
Does this sound familiar? There’s now a word to describe this intense attachment and constant doubt in a relationship, and it’s become a new trend in psychologists’ offices, especially among younger clients in their 20s and early 30s.
“Relationship obsessive-compulsive disorder is when a person feels extremely anxious and worried that they haven’t chosen the right partner, when there is no real evidence that anything is wrong with the relationship,” says Gemma Cribb, from Equilibrium Psychology. Body + Soul.
“They think, ‘I don’t want to make the wrong choice,’ so they create this big dilemma for themselves: ‘Should I leave? Should I stay?'”
“They obsess about it and criticise their partner: ‘Oh, he’s a bit bald’ or ‘He doesn’t get along so well with his mum’.”
Although relationship obsessive-compulsive disorder is not an official diagnosis, it does describe certain ways in which an OCD diagnosis can manifest, and experts take it seriously.
Cribbs says people can traumatise themselves or their partners by “making a big fuss over the small stuff” as they try to work out whether their thoughts indicate a real problem or are simply anxiety.
Obsessed with infidelity
Cribb said relationship OCD can also manifest as a person questioning their partner’s fidelity.
“People may exhibit these checking and reassuring behaviors even if there is no evidence that their partner is cheating,” she explains.
“It’s like checking someone’s phone and asking, ‘Where have you been? What have you done? Did you talk to your ex?'”
“It really does seem to be on the rise.”
Singles are not saved
Relationship OCD doesn’t even require a “talking stage,” let alone an actual, full-fledged relationship: Cribb says single people looking for love can also experience the condition.
“Dating apps give you all this data that you don’t get when dating in the real world,” she points out.
“So you end up choosing with your head and not your heart.”
It’s a long way from the “old days.”
“Back then, you’d meet someone at a bar, and if you really liked them, you’d go on a few dates and get to know them better,” Cribb says.
“But now, people who use dating apps are like, ‘Oh, he’s too short,’ or ‘No, I don’t like that photo.’
“We’ve become overly selective and overly perfectionistic.”
What causes relationship obsessive-compulsive disorder?
Cribb says that many people who experience relationship OCD usually have some pre-existing anxiety going on, or that anxiety can come from their situation.
“Sometimes it stems from relationship dynamics,” she explains. “Maybe their partner isn’t giving them the security they need to feel.”
“But often it’s a result of their way of being in the world and their intolerance of uncertainty.”
The relationship between the parents may also play a role.
“Sometimes people who had a bad upbringing, where their parents were not the best match for each other, don’t want to repeat their parents’ mistakes,” the psychologist says. “Or they may have chosen the wrong dating patterns, been deeply hurt in the past, and become overly cautious because they don’t want to be traumatized again.”
What are the symptoms?
According to Brisbane OCD Clinic, common symptoms associated with relationship OCD fall into two categories: obsessions and compulsions.
Obsessions may include constant doubts about whether you really love the other person or if they are the one, fears that you don’t really love or are attracted to the other person, preoccupation with negative aspects of the other person or the relationship, and worries that you will hurt the other person by choosing to be with them.
Compulsions may include having sex with one’s partner to feel aroused or to feel an emotional connection, repeatedly confessing concerns to others about one’s relationship or attraction to one’s partner, frequently breaking up with one’s partner or researching relationship problems online, avoiding intimate interactions with one’s partner, avoiding others for fear of being attracted to them, seeking reassurance from others about the quality of the relationship or partner, and comparing one’s relationship to past relationships or to those of others.
What treatments are available?
Clinicians have found that cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), a goal-oriented, talking treatment, can be highly effective.
“Cognitive restructuring helps clients recognise how their thoughts about their relationships are distorted and question the validity of these thoughts,” the OCD Clinic says.
“Mindfulness-based CBT helps clients become aware of their obsessive thoughts and accept them non-judgmentally, rather than resisting them.”
