No pickles and no lettuce!
Think about it: Joey Chestnut is being roasted on a bonfire. The Wretch Cam displays the projectile vomiting in super slow motion, accompanied by a Reverse Meter (RM) measuring projectile velocity, and a graphic of the projectile’s projected distance.
“You can see Neil starting to gag in this shot. Can we just pause there, guys?”
“No need for a replay challenge, Carl. That’s the beginning of the end. And his new monkey vomit yellow City Connect jersey! I think it’ll be a while before the grounds crew rolls out the tarp.”
Contestant wearing a microphone for a live interview:
“When did you realize you had this talent? You were undrafted in college. I heard you ate like a bird back then.”
“Mmmm, mmm, fluff, schming, gorp, blech!”
Draft coverage: “Are we going to pick high?” “No, Neil, we just want to pick the biggest player.”
A Nike Swoosh hot dog slaughtered in China. A Capitol Bun commercial featuring Spike Lee, Charles Barkley and Jim Nantz. “Why is there mold in your pantry?”
When asked by a vegetarian what he thought a vegetarian should eat at his first game at Fenway, Boston sports radio host Eddie Andelman replied, “Try a hot dog.”
There are more bets on FanDrool than you can shake a sponge mop at: over/unders, upchuck and pass-out parlays, and condiment prop bets (mustard is even, ketchup is 3-to-1, sauerkraut is 9-to-1, and mayonnaise isn’t yet legal in most states).
Doug Kelly, a former NBC Sports colleague in Sacramento, suggests: “Think of the WWE TV rights battle, the World Wiener Eating Championship finals, and the great-great-grandson of Supreme Court Justice Felix Frankfurter would be chucking out the first relish packet.”
Kelly thinks the show will be sensational for family viewing on Thanksgiving, especially after a hearty meal and as Roger Goodell looks to sell the traditional Lions game and two other NFL games to a hide-and-seek pay-per-view network.
But now that Goodell and his money-grubbing team owners have produced two games on Christmas Day (today is a Wednesday!) and sold them to Netflix, I think they’ll make some great alternative programming on Christmas Day starting this year.
Annual champion Chestnut, who was banned from ESPN’s steak-stuffing contest this Fourth of July for representing a brand other than Nathan’s, has already inked a deal with Netflix. Yes, really. Netflix will have Chestnut compete in September. Yes, really.
Back to Goodell’s “Home for the Holidays.” Is this worth it, faithful per diem parking attendants? Emergency security has been called in to break up drunken brawls and vendors peddling overpriced beer for underpaid wages. It’s Christmas!
So the hordes of soldiers who have nothing better to do than report in must leave their families and Christmas firewood behind, and pack layers of work clothes and bring shovels for one game that will be played outdoors in Pittsburgh, in a stadium formerly known as Heinz Field.
Perhaps they’ll be able to get home in time for the traditional late-night Christmas meal. As Czar Goodell says about these serfs, “Let them eat hot dogs.”
Celz owner makes strange exit just after winning title
What does it mean that the largest shareholder of the NBA champion Boston Celtics put his stock up for sale the same week that the team agreed to a record $315 million contract extension with Jayson Tatum and tens of millions more in salaries for existing players?
Does this mean that the main Celtic owner has made enough money and it’s time to distribute it?
Or are they saying that they’ve reached a cliff edge that they can barely sustain, given the millions in TV deals, and that it’s time to pull out before a financial chart that has never risen in a straight line in any business except drug trafficking inevitably takes a nosedive?
What’s happening to the Celtics’ biggest boss will almost certainly, and inevitably, happen to a team near you, especially in college sports: a collision at the crossroads of Newton’s Law and Murphy’s Law.
Did you see the video of last week’s UFC lightweight championship fight between Alex Pereira and Jiri Prochazka, which was funded, marketed and presented by ESPN?
First, Pereira took down some random name (who often comes and goes quickly) with a potentially fatal kick to the head, rendering him semi-conscious, then pounced on him, hitting him with punches to his unprotected head until the referee called a halt.
Not only is all this legal, but the promoters of this “sport” love these scenes to whet and sustain the blood lust of the screaming masses.
Despite the twisted and cruel risks involved — kicks to the head can cause lifelong neurological damage — dog and cockfighting are permitted in many states, while others ban them as inhumane, just like sports gambling.
In New York state, marijuana was legalized under Governor Andrew Cuomo, who explained that official approval was a good way to raise tax revenue.
How about a seat at ringside, Andy? Wear clothes that can withstand blood and brain splatter.
Make the loafer popular
Now, for every ball that is hit into the outfield or goes over the outfield, you should take a video of the batter to see if he bothered to run to first base, if he tried to make the most of that first base and not waste it, and whether he deserves your evaluation.
Why have some pandering “he thought” announcer pass judgement on us when we can see things for ourselves?
What’s the worst that could happen? That major leaguers are embarrassed and forced to play smart baseball? Has anyone noticed that MLB is filled with mediocre teams that play as if they’re doing us a favor?
Incidentally, the Nationals lost to the Rays 5-0 last Sunday. Five Tampa Bay pitchers struck out 16 batters. Nationals pitcher Joey Meneses struck out in all four of his at-bats and never had to run to first base.
MLB is now filled with mediocre teams whose players celebrate just reaching second base while knowing they’ll never make it to third base.
It was no surprise last week when the minimalist, complacent Nationals split four games with the minimalist, complacent Mets.
Goodell has a problem.
With rappers getting shot and killed (most recently Julio Julio), being caught on video kicking a woman (P. Diddy) and being charged with felonies (Young Thug, 56 counts of organized gang crime), Roger Goodell’s list of Super Bowl halftime show performers is thinning.
He might need to recruit some “wannabe rappers” from the farm team before they get screwed too.
Nights get early here, Yogi. Ron Swoboda turned 80 last week.
