Care and Feeding is a column offering parenting advice. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
My mother had major mental health issues that became apparent when my sister, Ren, was just six months old, and I was 10. Sadly, my mother’s struggles led to her suicide when Ren was a little under a year old. While Ren knows that our mother passed away early in her life, she remains unaware of the full circumstances surrounding her death.
The truth is, my mom, unbeknownst to my dad, had stopped taking her medications for over a month before a tragic incident on a building rooftop where she threatened to jump while holding Ren. Fortunately, a negotiator was able to convince her to put Ren down, but right after that, she took the leap herself and didn’t survive.
Now, Ren is 11. Our dad remarried when she was 3, and her stepmom has adopted her. Ren sees her as her real mother and has no memories of our biological mom. I’m increasingly worried as Ren is approaching an age where she’ll likely have more internet access, and she might come across the details about our mother’s death before our dad can prepare her. I’ve been encouraging him to have that conversation for over a year. He agrees that Ren should learn the truth but isn’t sure how to approach it. Is it my responsibility to step in before it becomes a shock for her?
—Mom Is Gone, The Past Isn’t
Dear Past,
Discovering that her mother’s death was a suicide—and the awful details that come with it—will undoubtedly hit Ren hard, no matter how it happens. You can’t shield her from this reality. It makes sense that hearing it from her father would be less painful than stumbling upon it online. The shock and sense of betrayal from finding out about such a significant secret would be overwhelming. If he tells her, he can be there to comfort her in that moment, even if it’s just a tight hug as she comes to terms with it.
The real question is whether she’s ready for this information right now. I personally feel that 11 might still be too young. If she hasn’t shown interest or asked questions about her mother’s death yet, it’s unlikely she’d seek the information on her own. However, if you believe there’s a possibility she might, you could gently suggest that your dad ask her if she has any questions about what happened. If he feels uncomfortable doing even that—worried she may ask, “Why? Should I?” and he won’t know how to reply—it might be worth discussing whether you should bring this up with her yourself. If that becomes the case, do so carefully, allowing her to guide the conversation. You might say, “There’s no right or wrong way to feel. But if you ever want to know more about what happened, just ask. I’m here when you’re ready.”
If she expresses readiness to learn now, start lightly: “Your mom passed away by suicide.” Let her follow-up questions dictate what comes next. There’s no reason to lay everything out all at once. If Ren asks about the specifics, say, “Are you sure you want to know? You can wait if you prefer.” If she insists, keep it simple: “She jumped off a roof, and it broke all of our hearts.” Often, she might be more inclined to ask about why it happened, which opens the door to discussing her mother’s mental health and the impact of not taking her medication. If she happens to search for details online and uncovers her presence during the incident, you and your dad can honestly explain that you didn’t know how to address that part of the story, hoping she wouldn’t need to deal with it until she was older and more capable of processing it.
—Michelle
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