Understanding Fatherhood and Mental Health: A Personal Journey

After experiencing “stress and anxiety” while trying to conceive, Aled Edwards and his wife Sophie were thrilled to learn she was pregnant. However, shortly after receiving the good news, Aled was plagued by “crippling nightmares”. On one occasion, he dreamt about being fatally hurt while defending his home, only to crawl upstairs, intent on warning his family.

Aled seemed to enjoy the anticipation of fatherhood and attributed his fear to regular first-time dad nerves, unaware of the mental health challenges that lay ahead.

Warning: This story contains references to mental health struggles and suicidal thoughts that may be distressing for some readers.

These distressing dreams persisted for six months after the birth of their son, Sullivan, now seven. “The joy and love I felt were genuine,” he shared. “Everyone was happy, and the nightmares faded almost as suddenly as they came back.” But when Sophie became pregnant with their daughter, Bea, the nightmares returned, only this time more intense. “They were on a whole different level of horrific,” Aled recalled, feeling emotionally drained throughout the day due to the disturbing dream images.

Living in Bangor, Gwynedd, Aled began struggling with depression that infiltrated every aspect of his life. “I felt totally unmotivated, and nothing brought me joy,” the 40-year-old expressed. “It sounds terrible, but I really felt like I lacked the emotional capacity to bond with Bea.” He found himself projecting an idealized family image on social media, hoping that such portrayals would somehow translate into reality.

But, things didn’t improve. In October 2021, just weeks after Bea was born, Aled left the house one morning, contemplating ending his life. “I started overthinking and convinced myself I was the issue. I could tell everyone around me was struggling because of me.” Although Aled had sought help from a GP and was diagnosed with trauma from his childhood, he felt that the prescriptions he received didn’t help.

What stopped him from going through with his darkest thoughts was the memory of Sullivan cuddling with him that very morning. He headed to the A&E, where he met police officers but felt that more could have been done to tackle the underlying issues he was facing. “The NHS is stretched thin, and we have a significant backlog concerning mental health,” he acknowledged. “But the response I received was inadequate. The system isn’t working.”

After experimenting with various medications that resulted in side effects like drowsiness and violent thoughts, Aled began researching post-natal depression (PND) himself. “No one had ever mentioned this to me,” he commented, mentioning that one mental health professional dismissed the possibility for him purely based on his gender. It was only after he suggested it that a GP confirmed that PND was indeed a possibility.

The NHS acknowledges that PND affects more than 10% of women but also recognizes that men can be affected, debunking the myth that it only pertains to women. Aled, unable to find a support group, took to Facebook in February 2024 to connect with other dads. To his surprise, his post drew a flood of responses from men. A small group eventually joined him on a planned walk, and this has blossomed over nearly two years into a supportive community.

Recent research from Swansea University highlighted that 8% to 13% of fathers experience depression during pregnancy and early parenthood. Prof. Ann John, who led the research, noted that in Wales, fathers were seven times more likely than mothers to die by suicide during the critical first 1,001 days of their child’s life. “There’s no national system in place to track paternal suicide as opposed to maternal mortality,” she pointed out, emphasizing the need for tailored mental health resources for dads.

Mark Williams from Bridgend, whom Aled spoke to while forming his support group, went through PND, alongside his wife Michelle, after their son Ethan’s birth in 2004. Mark now reflects on how their struggles shaped their entire lives.

“People can be managing their mental health before becoming parents, but suddenly find themselves overwhelmed during this transitional phase,” he explained. Following an emergency caesarean section, Michelle’s mental health suffered significantly. Although initially she was very dependent, Mark didn’t fully recognize the gravity of her situation because he lacked mental health knowledge at the time.

As the months went by, Michelle wasn’t able to sleep for almost two weeks, leading to her diagnosis of PND. Mark, self-employed at the time, struggled to support both Michelle and Ethan, leaving him with financial pressures and feelings of isolation. He couldn’t process the traumatic birth and felt numb, which led to suicidal thoughts—all while trying to maintain a cheerful facade. “We don’t have many pictures from those early years,” he admits now.

It wasn’t until a breakdown in 2009 that everything came to a head for Mark. He felt unworthy and thought his family would be better off without him. “It’s hard, trying to keep this mask on while everyone sees you as the jokester,” he reflected, adding that speaking out about his experience led to significant backlash.

Now working with Mental Health Matters Wales and running his advocacy campaign, Fathers Reaching Out, Mark has made it his mission to change perceptions around mental health in new fathers. He suggests that many men continue to deal with symptoms of depression long after the traditional post-natal phase ends. “There’s a huge myth that men don’t talk. But if you create a safe environment, they’ll open up,” he believes.

The head of policy and campaigns at Mind Cymru, Simon Jones, mentioned their findings showing that many men suffer from birth-related mental health issues like PTSD. “Support must be accessible during and after pregnancy,” he emphasized. The Welsh government is aware of the unique challenges fathers face and is implementing mental health and suicide prevention strategies aimed at better addressing these needs.

Mark is calling for a fundamental shift in societal attitudes. He believes modern masculinity should involve openly discussing emotions. “That’s what I teach my son,” he said. Aled echoed this sentiment, admitting he once dismissed the notion of mental health struggles affecting him. “I nearly lost my life because I thought it wouldn’t happen to someone like me. It’s crucial we reach out for help when needed—there’s no shame in it.”

• If you’ve been affected by the issues in this story, help and support is available via BBC Action Line.