Finding Strength in Grief
Marcus Aurelius, the Roman emperor and Stoic philosopher, once wisely stated, “If thou art pained by any external thing, it is not this thing that disturbs thee, but thy own judgment about it.” My sons and I certainly learned a thing or two about this when we faced the battle my late wife, Kim, fought against cancer. The key takeaway? Understanding how to separate the traumatic life events that are beyond our control from the power to choose our responses.
Not long ago, my boys and I watched a short introspective film called “White Room,” directed by JT Rees. It tells the poignant story of a 24-year-old man named Reese who struggles with his emotions after losing his older sister, Joy. Grief, as it turns out, has a tendency to linger, gnawing at our sense of inner peace. The film poignantly explores sibling love and the difficult process of coming to terms with such a loss.
“White Room” was inspired by JT’s own experience; he lost his sister, Jessie, to brain cancer when he was just nine. Although my sons and I never met Jessie, we have forged a bond with her family, united by shared grief and the fight against cancer. For several years, we have worked alongside the Jessie Rees Foundation, supporting children battling pediatric cancer to help ease our own sorrow.
Our family has always been tight-knit; however, after Kim’s passing, it became just the three of us—my boys, as Kim affectionately called them—contending with the post-traumatic stress that lingered from her struggle with cancer. This connection with Reese’s character in the film stemmed from the understanding that Joy teaches him: his emotions weren’t his fault.
Grief can paralyze us. But while we cannot control the illness that claimed our loved ones, we can certainly decide how to navigate through it.
I strive to honor Kim’s memory every day, fulfilling the promise I made to her on her deathbed to encourage our sons to embrace life even as they carry the weight of losing their mother at such young ages—just eight and eleven. The day after she passed, they went to school, continuing the routine they had kept during Kim’s illness, including her final months in hospice. With the help of a service dog and art therapy, they expressed their sadness while also participating in swim practice and playing outdoors with friends. They never ceased doing what brings joy and meaning to childhood.
Prior to Kim’s battle with cancer, I learned about resilience during my time with the CIA in a conflict zone. One poignant memory that stands out occurred when I returned from leave one night and learned that a highly decorated paramilitary officer had been killed. We held a memorial service, and although grief remained, we refocused our efforts on the mission at hand, honoring our colleague’s legacy by continuing to take the fight to the enemy.
The CIA’s Memorial Wall stands as a somber but important reminder of our fallen heroes. Each time I entered the headquarters, I would glance at the stars on that wall, reflecting on our losses and the commitment we had to continue our work in honor of those who sacrificed everything.
“White Room” is definitely worth a watch, especially for anyone who’s endured loss that they could not control, encountering all the associated pain. My sons and I miss Kim profoundly every day, but together, we are discovering ways to build resilience within our broken hearts.
Engage with your grief. Stay present. Don’t run away from the sadness. Instead, let it guide you in honoring the memory of those you’ve lost.
Remember, you’re not alone. Your loved one is there in spirit, watching over you like an angel on your shoulder.
