I lost my first husband two decades ago when he passed away from a heart attack at just 27. It was surreal waking up to find him cold beside me, especially since we had been married for less than a year. “Jenna,” my mother-in-law, really became my second mom, as my own mother was quite narcissistic. Even after I remarried and started my own family, Jenna played a significant role in our lives. My husband even called her “Aunt Jenna.”
However, her daughters, who live far away, seem to resent my closeness to their mother. They often complain that I don’t know my place and accuse Jenna of favoring my children, yet they never bother to visit her. It’s frustrating because they go on expensive vacations regularly.
Currently, Jenna is struggling with her health but refuses to consider assigning an executor for her affairs or getting professional care. My husband and I operate our own business and have two teenagers, so I’m willing to help Jenna more, but dealing with her daughters is exhausting. Recently, a storm damaged Jenna’s roof, and I was the only one who noticed. One of her daughters even accused me of trying to profit from suggesting a roofer—one that Jenna’s niece and I have used before! I’m feeling overwhelmed. I truly care for Jenna but I’m tired of this back-and-forth with her daughters, especially since they only show up for her when I remind them. I often feel like I’m holding everything together, while they just don’t seem to care. What should I do?
—About Jenna
Jenna is fortunate to have you. It’s vital that you continue being there for her. But caregiving can be grueling, especially when you’re faced with people who seem to resent your involvement. I mean, it’s strange, right? Why wouldn’t they appreciate your effort? Also, the accusation about the handyman is concerning.
Here are a couple of suggestions that might ease your situation:
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Communicate with her daughters through a letter. Outline your role in Jenna’s life, share its significance, and gauge if they have any concerns or prefer that you take a step back. They might freak out at the idea of losing support if you withdraw, but it could encourage them to express their feelings. Honestly, they might be relieved to feel like they have some say in the matter.
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Keep all interactions—especially regarding finances—documented in writing. A weekly email detailing what you’ve done, any money spent, and medical updates can protect you from false accusations and unnecessary stress.
—Dear Prudence,
I recently faced a highly stressful situation involving my 84-year-old father while my mother was in the hospital. Although my father has never physically harmed me, he raised his hand threateningly and then shoved me slightly toward the door.
I contacted him, saying if he hit me, things would change dramatically. His response was that he didn’t mean to do it; he almost seemed to blame me for interpreting it as a threat. This shift in tone has led me to lose respect for him. What perplexes me even more is why his denial of conscious intent bothers me more than if he had admitted it outright. Any advice?
—Can’t Understand My Reaction
It’s understandable to feel this way. His claim of not acting consciously allows him to evade responsibility for his actions, which is pretty unsettling. It raises the possibility he could hurt you in the future and just shift blame onto something else. Being around someone who doesn’t acknowledge their own behavior can be frightening. It may be worthwhile to express these concerns to him directly; perhaps it might encourage him to reconsider his stance.
Prudie Wants to Hear From You!
Readers often have valuable insights for our letter writers, sometimes even differing in opinion from Prudie. Each week, she will respond to some of these comments and advice shared by readers, showcased on Fridays for members. Write to us or submit a question here.
—Dear Prudence,
I’m a 43-year-old woman and have been friends with “Jacob” for several years. Recently, they’ve been exploring their gender identity and have come to identify as nonbinary, preferring the name “Jane.” They still feel attached to their previous name but wish to live more authentically as Jane.
While I’m proud of my friend for this journey, their energy feels different now. Honestly, we seem to have less in common, and I find myself avoiding outings with Jane because I don’t enjoy them as much. I value our friendship and want to support them without feeling uncomfortable. Any thoughts on how to address this?
—Conflicted
It’s completely acceptable to focus on the vibe of the friendship, but let’s dig deeper into why your time with Jane feels off. You mentioned having less in common, and it would be insightful to elaborate on that change in dynamics—and what specifically feels uncomfortable. Your support for their identity is commendable, but often friendships encounter strains when one person undergoes a significant transformation.
It’s common for friendships to shift during personal changes. Jane may be preoccupied with their identity journey, leaving less room for mutual engagement. It’s similar to how friends can drift apart when significant life changes occur, such as moving, becoming a parent, or facing adversity. As a friend, some patience and understanding would be beneficial.
You can ask Jane how to navigate the future of your friendship. Frame it positively, focusing on how you want to strengthen your connection. Consider suggesting activities you both enjoyed before. When you do meet, take the lead on conversations or plan engaging activities that don’t leave room for evaluating changes. At the core, Jane is still the person you appreciated initially, and with mutual effort, there’s likely enough common ground to sustain your friendship. Rather than pulling away, try to bridge the gap and support each other during these transitions.
Classic Prudie
I signed up for this political chat line where everyone interacts simultaneously, which can be overwhelming. A guy there privately messaged me, and honestly, I felt an instant spark, even though I haven’t seen his face or heard his voice. It’s odd, right? He asked about my relationship status without revealing much about himself. It leaves me curious about where this might lead…
