Care and Feeding is a parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here.
Dear Care and Feeding,
I’m a 15-year-old girl, the older sibling in my family. The other day, while I was using the family computer to check my Reddit, I discovered my dad has an account there too. I didn’t look at his posts right away, but I recorded his username and later checked it on my phone. Looking back, I should have realized it was private since he never mentioned it.
I found a lot of his posts to be very intense. They included complaints about his life, feelings of resentment towards our family, and guilt over those feelings. He expressed frustration about my mom, indicating that he feels he has to maintain a strong image for us kids. There were also some hurtful comments specifically directed at me regarding personal situations I thought were minor—it’s clear now that they affected him deeply.
Honestly, if that were all there was to it, I would think the answer is to just ignore it. But there’s this deeper element of how troubled he feels about his thoughts, wanting to be strong for us, which worries me. I had no idea he was struggling like this. I feel like I invaded his privacy! Now, I’m unsure of what to do. Should I act as if I never saw anything? Or should I bring it up with him?
—Really Stepped Into It
Dear Stepped,
Is there an adult close to your dad, maybe someone who isn’t your mom, that you can talk to about this? It’s really too much for a 15-year-old to handle when it comes to a parent’s mental health. You shouldn’t be carrying the guilt of “snooping.” Plus, if he chose to share these thoughts on Reddit and your family shares a computer, he must have known, on some level, it could be discovered. At the very least, he’s expressing himself in a public forum—Reddit isn’t exactly a diary, even if it feels that way sometimes.
I often wonder why people decide to share such private thoughts online. Maybe it’s just a generational thing; I know plenty of people in their 40s who seem to share everything on social media. But it’s obvious that writing about personal struggles on a shared device is a plea for help to those who might see it. You aren’t equipped to help him—you might need to suggest he talk to a friend or maybe a sibling instead. It’s possible he’s just venting on Reddit, similar to how some adults use Facebook as an emotional outlet. Sometimes, it’s alarming, but they could just be having a moment, and then they’re totally fine.
In the meantime, make an effort to be kind to him. Maybe try approaching him with something other than a problem to solve. While that won’t solve anything, it certainly could lighten the mood.
—Michelle
More Advice From Slate
Up until two weeks ago, my husband “Jeff” (39) was a great family man and father to “Jenny” (8) and “Kyle” (6). The only issue was his insomnia, which made things challenging, but that’s not his fault. After trying different treatments with no luck—except for medications that had dramatic side effects—we decided to add a bedroom annex to his home office so he could sleep there instead of with me. Ever since, he’s been noticeably less engaged as a father.
