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Dear Care and Feeding,
My wife “Nala” and I have been married for two decades. A while back, I opened up to some long-time male friends about my wife’s behavior that I found troubling.
Specifically, I shared instances where she treated me poorly—like kicking me out for extended periods when I was too vocal about my feelings. Most of them were sympathetic, but one friend, “Alan,” has taken it further and now seems to have a strong dislike for Nala, even though we used to hang out together as couples. Now, Nala has found out about my past complaints and Alan’s suggestion that we might consider divorce, which I really don’t want since our marriage has improved. However, she insists that I cut ties with Alan, believing it’s a threat to our relationship. Is there a way for me to keep both Alan and Nala in my life?
—Having to Choose
Dear Having to Choose,
Maybe it would help to gently remind your wife that Alan’s feelings about her are largely influenced by what you’ve shared with him about your struggles. He’s formed an opinion based on your past unhappiness with her behavior (I take your word for it that her treatment has been as bad as you’ve described, and I hope your “mouthy” behavior wasn’t shocking enough to justify being thrown out).
Reassure her that you feel positively about your marriage now and that you no longer voice complaints to Alan. Let her know that ending a nearly fifty-year friendship over Alan’s reactions to past grievances isn’t something you’re willing to do. You can keep the friendship separate from your relationship with her and make it clear that the two of them won’t necessarily have to interact. It’s important to validate where both of them are coming from; you’d likely feel uneasy if Nala had a friend who pushed her to leave you. But, it’s also tough to expect Alan to fully support your wife after he was your confidant during difficult times. Is Nala acknowledging her past mistakes? If she’s not willing to accept that she may have mistreated you, then it might be time for some serious reflection on your current situation.
—Jamilah
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My friend and I are both expecting babies, and we could use your help in crafting a good comeback. It seems like when pregnant, people’s interest in our bodies becomes overly intrusive, and, somehow, that doesn’t deter them from asking personal questions. As we near our delivery dates, inquiries get quite personal: “Are you dilated? How dilated?” It’s just odd and invasive that, because we’re carrying babies, it seems okay for people to pry into such private matters. We are not cattle!
